stuck in the middle of want and need

Morning Party People!

        I'm in a wonderful spot in this life as of late. I have a job I'm not super thrilled about and two others that I'm insanely psyched about. The two that make me giggle are a quinceraerra that my cousin and I will be filming in September and the other is a comedy troupe that I'm putting together!

        I've already started on the pre-production for the quinceanerra and I have two writers in the troupe with another possible two more on the way. We have scripts we're working on and in two weeks I'll be scouting venues. It's only baby steps so far but I'm happy to take everyone.

        So far one of the more difficult things to do is fight the urge to ask everyone I know for help on this Troupe. I want it so bad and in my mind this is something that would make everyone I know very happy to work with me on, the sun will shine and birds will fly out of the buts of random hobos. Clearly everything except for the but birds probably wouldn't happen. It's ego trying to slam a monkey wrench into my plans again, it tells me that a world filled with friends will share and love an idea as much as I do, that way I won't feel so scared about doing all of this. In fact that's my ego putting the burden of hope and faith on all of my friends so I don't have to carry it. Sneaky bitch isn't it?

       I'm lucky enough to have some super supportive people in my life so perhaps I'm old enough finally to see that I don't need anymore no matter how much I want them.

Till next time Party People,
Keep on a Chooglin!

Evening Party People,

     I wanted to weigh in on the Aurora shooting in CO tonight. The whole thing pisses me off to no end for many reasons. I could go on and on about what a fucking psycho this guy is and how horrible it must be for all the survivors in this tragedy. I can't do anything for them sadly, none of us can for the most part, so how do we deal with this? Why did this happen? How come this guy was the one who snapped? What can I do?
      I think for a first step we can do the opposite of what this asshole wanted and show no fear. My sweetie and I were planning on going to the movies this weekend and we still plan to go. Fuck that guy!
      Maybe it was because of Sept 11 , or the anthrax scare, or the foiled bombers  we caught trying to light his underwear on fire but I've had enough of all of it. I'm tired of being scared, every time something like this goes down it turns into a 2nd amendment issue and we lose sight of what just happened.
      We as a civilization had someone slip through the cracks, another loner created, disconnected from the world as much as he was from his humanity. How'd that happen? Don't you think that should be the real question? How did this guy grow up? What was the environment like in his house from when he was a baby? Was he on any medication? If so for what?
       His mother is a nurse and his dad a manager for a software company. Was there anyone at home as he grew up? Maybe maybe not. If they were would it have made a difference? Once again maybe,maybe not.
       So enough with the hypothetical and supposition! How can we make this world a better place? I ask this because every time something like this happens I have to ask the question, is this the best we can fucking make of this world?
       I think about the family I want to have one day, the kind of house I want to live in, the kind of life that would make me happy, then I think about what kind of money I would need to make that life possible. We all do. The thing is most of the blue collar work out there won't provide for that kind of living anymore. Hell I made a few thousand more than my Dad did when he was alive and I would not come close to our former standard of living (upper lower class). The fact of the matter is that the "American Dream" now must rely on two incomes for it to come true. We all want a good life so we all work hard hoping that it'll all pay off one day, during that time kids are at home who were once raised by the TV have moved on to a different sitter, video games and the Internet.
        The children will be occupied, they will be entertained, and they will be educated in this digital age but they wont be loved.
         I'll say it again, they won't be loved. That one element of the human condition that propels us forward in the whirlwind of time, that what gives us cause to war as it does to heal. We all need it, we all have it to give yet it's the one commodity that we trade so sparingly.
        So what do we do now? Start hugging random homeless people and hope it all works out? I'm not sure, maybe we start by putting some more love in the life we have right now. How can we show our life that we truly love it and everyone involved? I think if we did it might set a better example for the generations  coming up behind us.
         I wonder if anyone told James Holmes how to love another human being. If anyone taught him about how wonderful life could be, or did they just teach him life was cruel and pointless? Or more than likely he was taught and shown nothing of any of these things and grew up alone.
         I feel this day was a failure on the part of our civilization.

Thanks for letting me vent Party People

Another chunk of "WHAAAA?"

Ok I have no idea hat I want to write today. I had been doing "Morning Papers" which is basically stream of conscious writing for three pages every morning while trying not to use quotations for "everything".

I thought maybe I 'd try that here just to see what it looks like. I usually prefer to do this on paper using a no.2-7 gauge pencil with a soft mechanical grip and gps attached. Have you seen one of these? They completely revolutionized the pencil world when they were unveiled at the 2006 Pencexpo in Pancil Iowa.  If you haven't gone you need to check it out. Granted there is a bit of protest against the industry from environmentalist who argue that shoving lead into a tree is just an dick move and also from fringe ultra conservative group who think pencils are to uppity and prefer writing with those big crayons with the one flat side. If you go I should warn you not to be seen texting at any point in time while you're in the main hall as you will get kicked in the balls by an old lady. I'm serious, that's a paid position that many old ladies in the industry train for through out the year. You can spot these gals easily enough by there binoculars and there one steel toed boot.

Was I going anywhere with this? How the hell did I end up in Iowa? Sure I came for the pencil convention but now I'm just standing on the side of the road wondering where my car is, and for that matter what the hell does it look like? Iowa is a lot like my old marriage, there's no reason to ever go back there.

Hey back to reality for a bit. I went out dancing last nite with my sweetie! I usually go to a club that's geared toward bigger people like myself. When I say bigger I mean intellects...not wangs thank you very much! I used to have a blast every time I went there but for a few months now my ex wife has been going there with her friends and now it doesn't seem as fun to me. I think one of the reasons is that seeing her reminds me of the spineless coward I used to be. I wasn't able to stand up for myself for anything I held dear to me for so long, I cringe at every tear that ever rolled down my cheeks, I think how I'm glad my Dad wasn't alive to see me during this time of my life, it was that bad. You ever do that? Think to you past at cringe?

 I do that a lot these days. I think one of the reasons  why I do is that I know I'm moving into a different phase of this life, a lot of things that seemed to fit into my life no longer do, certain thoughts or thought processes are being rejected. Maybe that's why I cringe when I think of bad things in my past, it's like my soul is rejecting the idea in the same way a body might reject a transplanted organ.

Freedom, a buzz word as of late. It's also a word that people throw out there into the ether without knowing exactly what it means, much like disingenuous, literally, or proactive. What is freedom? More importantly, what is freedom to you? I think that's the most important question anyone can ask themselves. Some might say it's what they fought for and what the friends and family died for. Noble but it dodges the question. It's my right to chose how I live my life! Once again,noble but what have you done to build your life to your ideal of a good thing? Meaning, is the life you live now what you wanted or the best of what you thought you could get? If your life is the best of what you thought you could get then the question that no one wants to ask is ,"Exactly how free are you?"

There's a line in  the movie Easy Rider where Jack Nicholson says," ..Don't ever tell them that they aint free..." Is that the elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about? How free are any of us? Do you live in the city and state that you always wanted to live in? Is the job the job you wanted to be doing when you were young and dreamed of how you wanted to contribute something good to this world?  For my life the answer was about 60% yes.

60% of a lot of the things I wanted in life, close but no cigar. I had a marriage, a house, and even a step kid. Should I have been happy? Sure, and even sometimes I was. I had accepted the best of what I thought I could get. I know that sounds mean and cruel and I don't mean it to be but that's the truth. Deep down I hated everything about me and my life so I broke the fuck out of everything in it. I wish I had made a better choice but it's in the past. Why am I going into all of this? I was still free to buy as many guns as I could, buy a Hummer and wear an American flag while protesting just about anything  but how free was I? I wasn't. I was enslaved by how this world works, by how it takes a young man or woman and crushes every bit of strength out of them and leaves them a fucking drone to live of credit and eat through fast food garbage. The fucked up part is that we do all of this to ourselves.



Now I need to think of how I can use my freedom in a way that exists in the form of a memory of what I do today as opposed to some bullshit potential though of what I might be able to do "someday".

Thanks for letting me babel random thoughts.

Till next time Party People
Keep on a Chooglin!

I have 15 minutes to write so here goes!

Morning Party People!
               Ok So I was thinking of leaving foe work early this morning but then I thought I should try to start the day off by making the most of the last few minutes of peace.
               FYI yes I still have a McJob. It's something that I like slightly less that managing restaurants but hey at least it's not something that makes me not want to get out of bed in the morning. Have you ever had a job like that? Something so horrible that every minute before you step into work is a moment of dread? I've felt like that before, I almost hopped that I would get hit by a car on the way to work or slip into a coma the night before, anything to keep from having to show up at some hell hole.
               I hope as things progress with DisJointed I can prevent the company from turning into a place like that. If I ever grow to a point where we have to take on extra help that the associates like showing up to work everyday...well most days anyways.

                On a different note I have to say I love to rant on random subjects. I love starting a thought and to keep it rolling and see what it evolves to. I was messaging a friend on FB yesterday and I thought of something silly as I was writing. I decided to include it into the message and I just kept going with it, not sure how she'll react but I'd like to think she giggled as she was reading it...that or she called the cops =S

Here's the post as it related on me being on the guest list , after that I I start talking about a video I did for her club (Club Fullfilled-Where it's cool to be Curvy)

Christy: Dave you're on the list for tomorrow =)

Dave    : Thanks! FYI I listened one metric fuckton of music to find the song for the vid so if              anyone  says shit please punch them .... In the elbow or something , nothing too bad mind... Maybe the forearm , that won't hurt them too bad but it will make them think.

Hey since I'm asking you to assault people for me, what are you doing next Wednesday ? I was think of beating the crap out of some Tweens for like NO reason whatsoever . Ok maybe there is a reason, maybe they called me tubby, maybe they yelled out something racist? Or maybe I just have a bucket list where I convince a sweet gal to commit a major felony and I have a feeling I might be able to get that checked off next week... So how about 3? Lol
Wow this message was a lot longer than I thought it was going to be! Cya Saturday !

I might have a problem =S

Till next time Party People
Keep on a Chooglin!