Evening Party People!
I was sipping some tea before bed, hoping that I'll shake this sinus cold that's been lingering for a few days now. I was thinking about the next baby steps I should be taking in my life. I find it easy to jump into the well of despair when it comes to this. I can think of all the things I could have done with my life if only had made better choices in my youth. You know, like if I was someone else other than me. That's a silly thought right? If I was a different person I'm sure the one constant in both lives is my ability to take everything for granted. So let's take a different step shall we?
At 34 I was a weak man who lied to himself as well as those he loved. I cheated non stop on my marriage and I put myself in one dangerous situation after another. I hated my life and I did everything I could to destroy it, well next to suicide anyways. These facts will never go away, these memories and the truth that comes with them are constant and can't be undone. I envy those people who have a cleaner path through this life, mainly because once you get enough dirt on you, you can never get as clean as you used to be.
Now I know I'm not the only one who feels this way, I'm sure there are a lot of people who feel a lot worse. I don't say these things looking for sympathy, I say these things about me so that perhaps others don't feel so alone. I know at my worst I felt so unbelievable alone, I was fortunate to find other who were going through similar trials and that has been a big part of my healing ever since.
So now I look at all things I have made myself into. I think I'm a better friend, a better boyfriend, a comic, an artist, a novice musician, a "meh" blogger, most importantly I am a person who has a much better chance of not making the same choices from years ago.
Even though I've made so much improvement in the last six years, I feel there is another trial awaiting me. Years ago when I was a full blown addict it was due to the fact that I truly hated myself. They say addiction comes in two's and let's be honest, my second is food. I'm not going to call myself a food addict, mainly because the thought of relapsing a few times a day in order to survive sounds a little lame.
I try to think of a scene where it isn't me who is feeding me a bunch of shitty food but some masked stranger. I do this so I can ask myself the question,"Why does this guy hate me so much?" Someone who is looking out for me would be offering food that would make my life richer and add years to my life instead of taking them away. That's the question though, why do I still hate a part of me and which part is it?
I think it's the one part of me that I love the most and am the most afraid of, my anger. I think my anger and rage is so special, it's so unique, I'd like to think that when people think of me that it's the first thing that comes to their minds! Love or fear? What do I want, the answer depends on who is asking but for the most part , I want it all! ALL OF IT I TELL YOU!!!!
Whoa this is all so ugly to me. This is the part of me that will ruin everything and everyone I love. Is this ambition? Is it ? I ask because my ambition is pretty intense and I feel to give in to ambition I have to give in to all of the rest.
I get angry more often than I used to, I dream of hurting people who annoy me. Maybe I grab their face and shove the back of their head into a wall, maybe my hand is around their neck and I'm choking the life from them? Oh by the way, I am so out of shape I could not do any of this! I'm pretty weak at this point, very over weight and not as sexy as I used to be . I wonder if that's why I eat so much?
That way I never have to confront my anger, I stay tubby and I hide from everything......
Or.....I pick myself up and find a way to deal with the last part of me that I hate. You've put this off for far too long!
Till next time Party People
Keep on a chooglin!
