Another First Step Forward, Another Step Further from Home

 Evening Party People,

    As I write this, it's 9:34 PM on a Monday here in Denver Colorado. I was planning to take a day off tomorrow but the gods of the Day Job have summoned me once again to be at work at 7 in the morning. I half expected it as I was trying to work my Restaurant Magic to summon business.

    This morning I had to go to Sam's Club to pick up some supplies for work. As I was walking past the gift section I saw a Yamaha Keyboard with a stand for a decent price. I've felt impulse buys before but something told me I had to get this as opposed to me really wanting it. Was it an impulse to spend? Was I trying to feel fulfilled via a new toy?

    I've felt that many times before but this time there was no rush, no euphoria, just a feeling of completion. Like this was a step I have been needing to take for quite sometime. I've felt for awhile that my fear or singing in public has been a weak spot in my armor for a long time. I think it was because it was the first time I had failed in front of a crowd before. It was like sparring for the first time, that moment of terror when one realizes that they're not naturally gifted, that this won't come easy.

     The sounds like a reasonable fear right? My problem was I wasn't used to that feeling when it happened. I was gifted at a fairly decent amount of things so the thought of me not being "good enough" never entered my mind. That's a dangerous place to be. Now I've failed before but when I do it's due to me not performing up to my skill level, which I know. When it comes to singing and music, I have no idea where my level is. So there is fear. A fear that even if I devote myself to music, that I still won't be any good, I won't be special. 

    Silly fear right? It is, if I look at it with reason. However, fear isn't always based in reason and as such, reason isn't always the best tool to undo this knot. In this case, the tool I must use is knowledge. I have to follow this path to see where the end is. I must know if I have anything to offer in this art. If I find out that I don't, at least I'll know and fear will have no power. If I find I have some talent but nothing "great", then at least I'll know. If I find I have the same energy in my acting and stand-up as I would in music, then I'll know.

    So now I have this new tool in the Studio, which looks more like a studio than a bedroom with a computer in it. I'm happy with my choices, I'm happy with my life. At least for today I am, that's good enough for the time being. Tomorrow I will take a step creatively in another direction, should be an interesting journey.

Till Next Time Party People,

Keep on a Chooglin'

2020 Right?

 What's Shakin Party People,

    As I write this it's almost 11 PM here in Colorado . The wind is chilly outside, below freezing to be sure. It's the kind of cold where it should be snowing but it isn't, as if the world hasn't decided how wonderful or crappy your next morning is going to be.

    I'm writing on a new keyboard that went with the new computer I got yesterday. Could I afford it? Not really but I've been wanting a new computer to edit video with and thats exactly what I got. Now I have the tools I need....just need to actually make something now.

    I have two podcasts scheduled to record coming up, that's a good step. However these baby steps are like a workout routine that my body has gotten used to, to the point that it doesn't do much good when I do it, but if I don't my ass gets way bigger. That's not a reason to stop obviously, just an acknowledgment that I need to step up the workout.

    I know I've said this before but maybe I need to clarify it for myself. The next two projects I will start will be one of a Video. Those take a while to make, to plan, to re-plan, then to scrape the whole thing and start over.

    The next one after that will be music related. I need to finish a song that I started many years ago. It's sappy but I think the reason I have such a hard time working on it, is that there's a piece of truth that I haven't reached yet, an honesty I haven't let go of yet that will show the way. This sounds lame but I've always felt that some songs have a life of their own and they won't enter this world until they find an artist that will tell it's story on it's terms. In that respect, that moment that created the song, that point in time that changed my heart, it has one or two more things to say before it can be made whole.

    I've been looking for that "Next Level" in my art. It would be great if all I had to do was get super drunk and high and let the thoughts fly out of every hole in the Universe. One the other hand, might be worth a shot?

    I know I'd like to spend a day with some mushrooms and see what happens. My friends have had some interesting results with them. If I do get some magic mushrooms I'll be sure to let you all know how it went.

    I know this is a short blog but it's late and I need to get some sleep, you should do the same .

    Till Next Time Party People, Keep on a Chooglin'