All I ever wanted has come and gone, so what's next?

Evening Party People!

so what can I tell you tonight? Well life is pretty good right now. Most of my goals that I've set for myself have come to pass with various degrees of success and I couldn't be happier. Or could I?

I find myself in a strange place these days, between the veils of contentedness and an unsettling restlessness. Maybe a better way to put it is that I'm hoping that I wont take a sledgehammer to all I've built. OK maybe not so doom and gloom but thats whats on my mind.

I'm excited really, this is the situation I've always wanted to be in. To have finished a bunch of projects with tyhe question,"What do I want to do next?" on my mind. If anything I'd like to start performing again. I havn't done an open mic in a long time, perhaps I should start there? I have two original songs under my belt, whose to say I can't write more?

I think at the root of the next step is to find a way to get back on stage. It's where I feel alive, useful, at the pulse of the planet feeling the flow of life touch all in creation. Yes I know that sounds pretentious but for those of you who have been on stage you know what I mean!

Tonight while my sweetie has been napping in the next room I started work on my next song, perhaps later I'll continue work on the next episode of the sneaker guy. Point is that I have many baby steps in front of me and I can't wait to take that next step!

The Fear of Change as it jingles in the ether...

What started as a ripple has grown into waves of cascading crashes against what was one my everyday life. I hear notes that stroll on the outskirts of earshot. I try to listen but I only get pieces of a melody , it's calming, soothing, I know if I could just move a little closer or if it would just venture towards me that the joy of such sweet music would fill my heart. Fill my heart, yes. All music's power loses it's luster over time, in order to breath life into it I must exhale it from out my lungs so others might feel the same way , the way I once did, how I feel now.

My old life is slipping away, along with it all the ideas that I carried that made up who I was as a person. It's change. Something I've always strove for, always ahead of me, just out of reach. As I sit in silence with only my breath to keep my company I see and feel this "change" beside me, smiling, taking pieces of me and tossing them aside, as some court jester throwing away my armor before a battle.

"Don't be afraid .", he says. He leaves me with only what he thinks I will need. I wonder if the holes in my armor will be death of me.

"These injuries are unavoidable on the path to your future, don't think of them as new scars but as a cosmetic surgery, only without the local"

I've waited so long for all this to happen.

"Just breath ." he says "don't be afraid."

I go out walking, under the moonlight...

Evening Party People!

       So what's new? Well life keeps changing all the time, or perhaps it's not changing but I'm the one who is different? It's kind of hard to get perspective on how things really are in your own life while you're living it,right? That's why I've been trying to remove myself from my life for about an hour at a time a few times a week. I do this by going on walks through my neighborhood. Granted I'm sure it's only a matter of time before people start to think I'm casing the houses in Tempe, but untill then I'm going to take advantage of the anominity.

        Normally I go on these walks early in the morning, around 6-7, meaning it's quiet. This early in the morning most of the young people are either sound asleep or just getting to bed so I don't have to worry about traffic as much. Tonight I went out around 10 pm and I found that I had a different experience at that hour. Why was it different? I'm not sure to be honest, maybe it was because there was no sunrise to greet me, or maybe it was the few stars that I could see once I got to the town lake that helped center me in a way that I haven't been since I was living in Lucerne.
      
       There's something about looking at the stars at night. When it's day light we can see and end or a ceiling to everything around us. At night we see the cosmos and truly have a sense of the infinite that surrounds us. If you're not sure what I'm talking about might I suggest that you step out of the house one night and find a place where you can see as many stars as possible. To do this you'll have to find a place where there isn't a lot of light so perhaps you should take someone with you when you do this. When you find a spot look up into the sky and take a deep breath. Try to imagine the whole universe that lies above you. Think of all the stars and planets that surround them in its entirety. Close your eyes and realize that the universe isn't only above you but below you and behind you. It can seem a little daunting when it hits you but at that point , take a deep breath and feel your feet and how they connect to the ground. I find that when I do this I have a sense of insignificance yet with location, considering the vastness of everything, location is more than enough.

        After that go home and watch Better Off Dead and look for the scene with the strung out math teacher, You'll thank me for this, trust me ^^

Till next time Party People,
Keep on a Chooglin!

The Unexpected arrives right on time!

Happy Superbowl Sunday Party People!

Ok I don't want to shit all over the Super Bowl but doesn't it seem like every year we treat this more and more like a real holiday? Perhaps it is, I have a funny feeling that this will be one of those years where I don't observe this particular holiday. I think I'll quit before I go any further, I didn't jump online to bitch about a bunch of people being happy.

Yesterday was a pretty big day for me. It marks me making my first big mistake with a shoot I did for a restaurant. I won't go into any of the details but basically I wasn't as prepared as I should have been and as a result I didn't get any of the shots I wanted. Granted I got what I needed but perhaps that was the whole point in all of this, real funny God =P All kidding aside I was pretty upset at myself when I left the restaurant.

It's funny at how something that would have sent me in a depressive tailspin only a few years ago only pisses me off. I left the restaurant and needed to buy some smokes and grab a bite to eat before I met my friends at the Icehouse for a jam. I hate eating fast food these days but the only thing close was a McDonald's close to where I used to live on Indian School Rd. As I approached McSatan's burger shack I noticed that they had built a Panda Express right next to where I was heading.

Maybe it's because of all the sugar or the chicken, or the sugar coated chicken but I love me some Panda Express! I sat down to inhale my dinner which left me a little more satisfied than a value meal from next door. I opeed my fortune cookie expecting to get something that read like,"That wasn't chicken". To my suprise it said something more profound.

Focus on your Art and Creativity

It hit home with me, as did the coming indigestion. It reaffirmed my intent from a few years back which was in order to confront my destructive nature I would counter by being constructive. I can't tell you how I've salvaged some pretty horrible days in my life by writing, or painting and what not. Now it seems that was once just an effort has evolved into a fully functioning safety net from which I move forward everyday.

I then left to grab some smokes and some drunk guy was standing out front of the Circle K talking (or slurring) on the phone trying to get directions to a restaurant. Funny thing was that the place he was so desperately trying to find was two blocks away. I thought about helping him but the irony as well as the metaphor were so intense I couldn't deprive the rest of the world from seeing this. I can only hope it was as apparent to everyone else as it was to me.

As for the jam it was great! Jennie came to watch for a bit but the music was so mellow she was starting to doze off so she headed off home. We sat and talked for a bit before she left and all I can say is that I'm so glad she's in my life. I went back upstairs to the jam after she left and things started to become clearer amidst the chaos.

I found myself taking more chance than I ever had been before in this jam. Mostly because I started making up lyrics to some of the music we were creating. What this meant to me was that after all this time I think I'm starting to trust myself in the way that I've always wanted to. Is this what freedom feels like?

Till next time Party People!
Keep on a Chooglin.

Damn the Doctor!

      Morning Party People, before I start I need to tell you that I need to be up for work  in two and a half hours. Not off to a good start I know but I felt the need to do some writing.

      Tonight my sweetie was supposed to come over but she wasn't feeling well. It was a bummer but it's not like we don't see each other almost everyday. I took a nap around 4 and woke up around 10 tonight. When I woke up I was pissed that I slept so long, I hate losing precious time that I could have been doing something. I hate it even more when I waste that time. So why am I so pissed about time lately?

      Earlier this week I had three days to do anything I wanted, 36 hours of free time! I think I spent about 3 hours actually working on my business ad another hour organizing paperwork for my taxes. That left me with 31 hours that I didn't work on my next baby step. This isn't my normal behavior as of late, this is more like my behavior from a few years ago. Perhaps that's why I've felt so uneasy lately. It's probably why I'm writing this instead of going off to sleep, I have to do something creative or my mood will continue to worsen.

Ok that's enough introspection, lets take a look at the world around us shall we?

Football is America's Alcohol:
      I know it might sound a little harsh but lets be honest. If there was anything that ever wanted me to not watch another game it was this whole Penn State affair. Now before I go on I'll give full disclosure as I'm am not knowledgeable of Papa Joe's career other than he won a lot of football games. I know I've read many reports with various points of view on the matter. Some are chastising him for not doing more, some are asking for forgiveness that one "lack of judgment" shouldn't define a whole career. To that I say Michael Jackson has made countless songs that will never be forgotten but after every song is finished playing we'll always think of MJ as the guy who might have fucked a bunch of sick kids. John Lennon is one of my favorite artists of all time but as much as I love his music I know he was also as horrible a man as great as he was an artist. So what's the difference?
       I guess it comes down to where a person draws the line. I can live with a person being an asshole, I can't however live with a person being a coward. Am I being to harsh? Am I being to callous? I asked myself this question for the past week before I wrote this and I kept coming back to the same question,  "Why wasn't more done?"
       I don't mean to ask the question in a "Why did this have to happen?" sort of way. I know why this shit happens, some sociopath with no compassion hurts an innocent person and then a cycle of abuse ensues that passes down generations. It's almost as if a new form of predators were evolving in the way that virus spreads through a town, it's not meant to kill our bodies, just our humanity. No I was asking the question of what had stopped the coach from doing more, or for that matter what stopped the guy who witnessed the attack?
       Perhaps it was shock, I can buy that at first but what about how they felt the next day? Or the day after that? I'm sorry but the biggest atrocities that happen in this world don't come from some evil monster or a demon that lies in wait from the shadows, it comes from our own cowardice to confront the harsh realities in our lives. I find that it's amazing how destructive we can be by simply not doing anything to right a wrong. Who knew being so passive could be so harmful? I think there were many people that had worked very hard to make Penn State what it was and anything that undermined that was better left ignored. I honestly believed that many of the people who knew about this didn't want to think it was all true. To know it was true would undo all the great accomplishments that Penn State had achieved. Will sadly guys, it was true, and it had undone all that you have created. As far as I'm concerned at the root of all of this deception was the desire to win Well you did win, and all you had to do was sacrifice the hearts of some kids that no one will probably ever get to know.
       Is the a way out of this? More than likely but they aren't going to like it. A sacrifice of pride is required, not to appease an angry mob but as to set an example. A demonstration of true strength needs to be shown in the fact that they can wear their shame for all to see, a display of compassion over their pride.

      There was a church in the valley who has a similar problem in the way that one of their volunteers had been molesting a lot of the kids who went there. I know churches are the but of a lot of jokes about this sort of thing but I was surprised by their actions that followed. The asshole who was hurting these kids had been arrested and the church held a bunch of services for their community asking for others to come forward for counseling and to apologise to their congregation for not catching this sooner! That is a fine example of how to confront something like this, they met it head on. Big props to them.

       Shame might survive in the light but it thrives in darkness, never forget that. I wish I had come forward about the older kid who molested me when I was a kid, perhaps I could have saved myself and those around me some grief. It's not easy to write what I just did but that's the point of it all. The more open we are with ourselves the sooner we can get a hold of what it is that's truly affecting our world. In my case I've had a near impossible time letting myself get close with anyone who wanted to love me, I always had that "dark" secret in my past that I knew if they ever found out that they wouldn't love me anymore. That started when I was about 9, from there it festered for years until I grew into someone I didn't recognize. Well that was then, this is now.


      I know I'm jumping all over the place so I'll try to sum it up here. Predators track us through our sent of shame. You know what I heard the most  when I started to be open about my past? I started to hear similar stories from those around me. The only thing that amazed me more was the weight off everyone's shoulders after they opened up. Meaning we're as never alone as we think we are, what a odd way to connect with people huh?


so shine a light on what ails you my friends! It's a tough I know but it's those countless baby steps that will move us all forward to a better life. That's what I think anyways, feel free to find a better way =)


Till next time Party People,
Keep on a Chooglin!

So much to talk about so little!

Morning Party People! Sorry I haven't written in awhile but I've been busy with various things, some of them productive and a few destructive. Let's start by getting the meh stuff out of the way.

I think one of the reasons I haven't written was that I've been stressed about money for what seems like forever now. I'm still adjusting to life without a salary. I think for awhile now I felt that I had more control when I could plan my finances out a month. Now I see that without the money I still have the same control plus a bunch of added responsibility to go with it.so without going into a massive bitch fest about money I'll just say this, things are getting back on track and I should be more or less caught up by the end of the month.

One of the important lessons I've learned was that my mood is usually directly tied to how much money I have. when it comes down to it this is an ugly part of my life that I give way to much power to. Money should have nothing to do with how we look at a sunset, or how we feel when someone tells us "I love you", you know, the important things in life. With that in mind I've really made some strides in my day to day living as Senor Broke -Ass.

One of things I've really taken to s going for long walks first thing in the morning. There's nothing like walking around the old neighborhoods of Tempe at 6 am while listening to just about any type of music, it's kind of meditative, it heps me remember to look for all the little things that make a day so great.

This is kind of funny, I bought Leela, with is a game that is more of a meditation simulator for my xbox. Granted it's not as fun as gears or war 3 but hey what is right? Whats so special about this game is while playing a game that focused on "Origin" I found what felt like a connectedness to all things that move within my life.As if to say that my actions do have an effect on the world but its the world that moves me and I it. I wish  I could explain it better and perhaps one day will but at the root of all this I feel my life will never be the same as it was when I was at Host only a few months ago.

DisJointed Productions officially went into business this month with the sale of my first video! That was a big moment for me. That day when I signed the contract for the video will go down as one of the most important days in my life, second to stepping on the train to NYC when  was nineteen. I say this because I think we all have dreams about what we want our lives to be and holy shit when that dream makes the transition from just a thoughts and a desire into a reality it's one of the best feelings in the world! I hope everybody gets to feel this if they haven't already.

Speaking of dreams that have come true, my relationship has been going great! In a stark turn of events I haven't fucked it up yet ^^ Seriously it's been one of those good things in my life that I spend half the time being on cloud 9 and the other half hoping that it never ends. We spend every weekend together enjoying each others company watching movies or playing video games or even better, just talking. What is so special about all of this is that I haven't jumped into this with both feet yet. In taking things slower as far as my heart is concerned I think my feelings have gotten a chance to really grow for this gal, that and I haven't scared her off by asking her what would be a better name for our kids. It's a tossup between William and Chloe or Sebastian and Megatron in case anyone was curious.

In closing I'd like to give myself a pat on the back for finishing one of my pet projects,The Sneaker Guy! I wouldn't exactly call it a masterpiece or anything. I'm just excited that I finished an idea to completion. If you haven't seen it yet here's the link: http://youtu.be/F-S9G2c4sXM

I'm hoping to have the script ready by the end of this week, I could use some help with filming the next episode if anyone is interested, so hit me up Party People!

Till next time Party People,
Keep on a Chooglin!

A Bright Shiney New Year to Waste!

Good morning Party People! I thought I'd wait a few days after the New Year to write so as to give everyone a chance to recover from their hangovers.

I spent the new year's eve by working, normally that would be just another depressing facet of working in the restaurant biz but this year I was working for me. This is a big thing, it kind of started the year off right for me, knowing at the drop of the ball I was holding my sweetie in one hand, my camera in the other all the while being on the clock for my own business.

That night I was filming at Club Fulfilled. In case you were wondering, it's a club for larger sized people, a place where you don't have to feel like an outsider just because of your size. I found this place about a year ago and have gone quite a few times to dance. What? Yes to dance! I found out last year that I really love dancing, there's a euphoric feeling that comes over me about 30 seconds after I start moving and shaking, a kind of euphoria that I've yet to find anywhere else in my life. I think performing on stage it the only thing that is more intense for me if that gives you an idea.

I didn't get to dance as much as I'd like to that night as it's hard to hold a camera steady while moving your hips back and forth at un-christian speeds. So I had to divide my time up on the dance floor. Now there are a lot of things I could say about that night, a lot of good things and a lot of bad so I'll just say this Party People.

You get one shot at this life, just one.

When the music is playing and there's a dance floor that's empty why the hell would you be content to sit in the shadows and wait for something good to come your way? If you're at a job you don't like why would you stay there when you know there's something better out there for you? Why would you hold back living your life, getting the most out of it, when you know hat the more you wait the less life you ave to live!

There are a lot of things out there saying that this is the year that it all ends. I see and hear about how there are so many of us that are planning for it all to end, to survive in a post apocalyptic world so their genes can pass on to the next generation. My question is this. If all you can plan for in this life is how it will end, then what makes you think you'll be happy after it all does? It reminds me of an old man who spent all of his time working just so he can retire and be secure, only to find out that he hates not working and retirement is hell for him. It sounds like a waste. He didn't get it, like most of us don't. We get one shot at this life as the person you are right now!

So if this is our last year, let no dream go unrealised! Lets live everyday like it was meant to be lived, like a gift from God that is not to be wasted! If the world ended tonight and I was sent up to the gates of Heaven and they asked me,"Did you make to most of the time you had?"

I'd say," There was a about 10 years where I didn't, where I lost my way, but the last 6 years I made the most out of it.It was those last six where I got it right and I have no regrets about anything I did. Thanks for the time guys, I made sure it wasn't wasted."

It's about 9:15 am at the time of this post, what are you going to do with the rest of your day?

Till next time Party People,
Keep on a Chooglin!