stuck in the middle of want and need

Morning Party People!

        I'm in a wonderful spot in this life as of late. I have a job I'm not super thrilled about and two others that I'm insanely psyched about. The two that make me giggle are a quinceraerra that my cousin and I will be filming in September and the other is a comedy troupe that I'm putting together!

        I've already started on the pre-production for the quinceanerra and I have two writers in the troupe with another possible two more on the way. We have scripts we're working on and in two weeks I'll be scouting venues. It's only baby steps so far but I'm happy to take everyone.

        So far one of the more difficult things to do is fight the urge to ask everyone I know for help on this Troupe. I want it so bad and in my mind this is something that would make everyone I know very happy to work with me on, the sun will shine and birds will fly out of the buts of random hobos. Clearly everything except for the but birds probably wouldn't happen. It's ego trying to slam a monkey wrench into my plans again, it tells me that a world filled with friends will share and love an idea as much as I do, that way I won't feel so scared about doing all of this. In fact that's my ego putting the burden of hope and faith on all of my friends so I don't have to carry it. Sneaky bitch isn't it?

       I'm lucky enough to have some super supportive people in my life so perhaps I'm old enough finally to see that I don't need anymore no matter how much I want them.

Till next time Party People,
Keep on a Chooglin!

Evening Party People,

     I wanted to weigh in on the Aurora shooting in CO tonight. The whole thing pisses me off to no end for many reasons. I could go on and on about what a fucking psycho this guy is and how horrible it must be for all the survivors in this tragedy. I can't do anything for them sadly, none of us can for the most part, so how do we deal with this? Why did this happen? How come this guy was the one who snapped? What can I do?
      I think for a first step we can do the opposite of what this asshole wanted and show no fear. My sweetie and I were planning on going to the movies this weekend and we still plan to go. Fuck that guy!
      Maybe it was because of Sept 11 , or the anthrax scare, or the foiled bombers  we caught trying to light his underwear on fire but I've had enough of all of it. I'm tired of being scared, every time something like this goes down it turns into a 2nd amendment issue and we lose sight of what just happened.
      We as a civilization had someone slip through the cracks, another loner created, disconnected from the world as much as he was from his humanity. How'd that happen? Don't you think that should be the real question? How did this guy grow up? What was the environment like in his house from when he was a baby? Was he on any medication? If so for what?
       His mother is a nurse and his dad a manager for a software company. Was there anyone at home as he grew up? Maybe maybe not. If they were would it have made a difference? Once again maybe,maybe not.
       So enough with the hypothetical and supposition! How can we make this world a better place? I ask this because every time something like this happens I have to ask the question, is this the best we can fucking make of this world?
       I think about the family I want to have one day, the kind of house I want to live in, the kind of life that would make me happy, then I think about what kind of money I would need to make that life possible. We all do. The thing is most of the blue collar work out there won't provide for that kind of living anymore. Hell I made a few thousand more than my Dad did when he was alive and I would not come close to our former standard of living (upper lower class). The fact of the matter is that the "American Dream" now must rely on two incomes for it to come true. We all want a good life so we all work hard hoping that it'll all pay off one day, during that time kids are at home who were once raised by the TV have moved on to a different sitter, video games and the Internet.
        The children will be occupied, they will be entertained, and they will be educated in this digital age but they wont be loved.
         I'll say it again, they won't be loved. That one element of the human condition that propels us forward in the whirlwind of time, that what gives us cause to war as it does to heal. We all need it, we all have it to give yet it's the one commodity that we trade so sparingly.
        So what do we do now? Start hugging random homeless people and hope it all works out? I'm not sure, maybe we start by putting some more love in the life we have right now. How can we show our life that we truly love it and everyone involved? I think if we did it might set a better example for the generations  coming up behind us.
         I wonder if anyone told James Holmes how to love another human being. If anyone taught him about how wonderful life could be, or did they just teach him life was cruel and pointless? Or more than likely he was taught and shown nothing of any of these things and grew up alone.
         I feel this day was a failure on the part of our civilization.

Thanks for letting me vent Party People

Another chunk of "WHAAAA?"

Ok I have no idea hat I want to write today. I had been doing "Morning Papers" which is basically stream of conscious writing for three pages every morning while trying not to use quotations for "everything".

I thought maybe I 'd try that here just to see what it looks like. I usually prefer to do this on paper using a no.2-7 gauge pencil with a soft mechanical grip and gps attached. Have you seen one of these? They completely revolutionized the pencil world when they were unveiled at the 2006 Pencexpo in Pancil Iowa.  If you haven't gone you need to check it out. Granted there is a bit of protest against the industry from environmentalist who argue that shoving lead into a tree is just an dick move and also from fringe ultra conservative group who think pencils are to uppity and prefer writing with those big crayons with the one flat side. If you go I should warn you not to be seen texting at any point in time while you're in the main hall as you will get kicked in the balls by an old lady. I'm serious, that's a paid position that many old ladies in the industry train for through out the year. You can spot these gals easily enough by there binoculars and there one steel toed boot.

Was I going anywhere with this? How the hell did I end up in Iowa? Sure I came for the pencil convention but now I'm just standing on the side of the road wondering where my car is, and for that matter what the hell does it look like? Iowa is a lot like my old marriage, there's no reason to ever go back there.

Hey back to reality for a bit. I went out dancing last nite with my sweetie! I usually go to a club that's geared toward bigger people like myself. When I say bigger I mean intellects...not wangs thank you very much! I used to have a blast every time I went there but for a few months now my ex wife has been going there with her friends and now it doesn't seem as fun to me. I think one of the reasons is that seeing her reminds me of the spineless coward I used to be. I wasn't able to stand up for myself for anything I held dear to me for so long, I cringe at every tear that ever rolled down my cheeks, I think how I'm glad my Dad wasn't alive to see me during this time of my life, it was that bad. You ever do that? Think to you past at cringe?

 I do that a lot these days. I think one of the reasons  why I do is that I know I'm moving into a different phase of this life, a lot of things that seemed to fit into my life no longer do, certain thoughts or thought processes are being rejected. Maybe that's why I cringe when I think of bad things in my past, it's like my soul is rejecting the idea in the same way a body might reject a transplanted organ.

Freedom, a buzz word as of late. It's also a word that people throw out there into the ether without knowing exactly what it means, much like disingenuous, literally, or proactive. What is freedom? More importantly, what is freedom to you? I think that's the most important question anyone can ask themselves. Some might say it's what they fought for and what the friends and family died for. Noble but it dodges the question. It's my right to chose how I live my life! Once again,noble but what have you done to build your life to your ideal of a good thing? Meaning, is the life you live now what you wanted or the best of what you thought you could get? If your life is the best of what you thought you could get then the question that no one wants to ask is ,"Exactly how free are you?"

There's a line in  the movie Easy Rider where Jack Nicholson says," ..Don't ever tell them that they aint free..." Is that the elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about? How free are any of us? Do you live in the city and state that you always wanted to live in? Is the job the job you wanted to be doing when you were young and dreamed of how you wanted to contribute something good to this world?  For my life the answer was about 60% yes.

60% of a lot of the things I wanted in life, close but no cigar. I had a marriage, a house, and even a step kid. Should I have been happy? Sure, and even sometimes I was. I had accepted the best of what I thought I could get. I know that sounds mean and cruel and I don't mean it to be but that's the truth. Deep down I hated everything about me and my life so I broke the fuck out of everything in it. I wish I had made a better choice but it's in the past. Why am I going into all of this? I was still free to buy as many guns as I could, buy a Hummer and wear an American flag while protesting just about anything  but how free was I? I wasn't. I was enslaved by how this world works, by how it takes a young man or woman and crushes every bit of strength out of them and leaves them a fucking drone to live of credit and eat through fast food garbage. The fucked up part is that we do all of this to ourselves.



Now I need to think of how I can use my freedom in a way that exists in the form of a memory of what I do today as opposed to some bullshit potential though of what I might be able to do "someday".

Thanks for letting me babel random thoughts.

Till next time Party People
Keep on a Chooglin!

I have 15 minutes to write so here goes!

Morning Party People!
               Ok So I was thinking of leaving foe work early this morning but then I thought I should try to start the day off by making the most of the last few minutes of peace.
               FYI yes I still have a McJob. It's something that I like slightly less that managing restaurants but hey at least it's not something that makes me not want to get out of bed in the morning. Have you ever had a job like that? Something so horrible that every minute before you step into work is a moment of dread? I've felt like that before, I almost hopped that I would get hit by a car on the way to work or slip into a coma the night before, anything to keep from having to show up at some hell hole.
               I hope as things progress with DisJointed I can prevent the company from turning into a place like that. If I ever grow to a point where we have to take on extra help that the associates like showing up to work everyday...well most days anyways.

                On a different note I have to say I love to rant on random subjects. I love starting a thought and to keep it rolling and see what it evolves to. I was messaging a friend on FB yesterday and I thought of something silly as I was writing. I decided to include it into the message and I just kept going with it, not sure how she'll react but I'd like to think she giggled as she was reading it...that or she called the cops =S

Here's the post as it related on me being on the guest list , after that I I start talking about a video I did for her club (Club Fullfilled-Where it's cool to be Curvy)

Christy: Dave you're on the list for tomorrow =)

Dave    : Thanks! FYI I listened one metric fuckton of music to find the song for the vid so if              anyone  says shit please punch them .... In the elbow or something , nothing too bad mind... Maybe the forearm , that won't hurt them too bad but it will make them think.

Hey since I'm asking you to assault people for me, what are you doing next Wednesday ? I was think of beating the crap out of some Tweens for like NO reason whatsoever . Ok maybe there is a reason, maybe they called me tubby, maybe they yelled out something racist? Or maybe I just have a bucket list where I convince a sweet gal to commit a major felony and I have a feeling I might be able to get that checked off next week... So how about 3? Lol
Wow this message was a lot longer than I thought it was going to be! Cya Saturday !

I might have a problem =S

Till next time Party People
Keep on a Chooglin!

This feels kind of framiliar in an unfriendly way

Morning Party People!
            Normally I wouldn't be writing to you right now, normally I'd be at work filling the ice bins and getting coffee for all the weary people getting ready to face the brutal environment of Sky Harbor Airport. Today however I'm back at home after I got to work and saw that they cut my hours from 4 days a week to 2. Thanks guys!
            Note to all employers out there in the internet and the world at large, I'll care about your money and bottom line as much as you care about mine. You need to save money? Ok I get that, but I work a position which generates revenue, when you cut hours from those positions they tend not to work as well/make as much money for you. Lucky for me I got a plan!
            So where am I at this point? I feel like I'm back at Uno's in Tempe at the ail end of my time there. Most of my friends had moved on to other jobs,without them there I hated coming to work. As a waiter , the more you hate your job the less money you make FYI. I had said in passing one day that I wanted to put in my two weeks and ta-da! Two weeks later I was off the schedule. Now this is the embarrassing part, I kept picking up a few shifts here and there for like another two or three weeks, after awhile one of the managers just couldn't take it anymore and told me to stop coming in! She said I hadn't been put on the schedule for a reason and I needed to just go. Funny when I look back but at the time it was pretty devastating. I'm glad though, I was locked in a bad relationship with that job, a self destructive one that poisoned the both of us. I needed to go in order to move on, if anything that whole story reminds me of just how tough it was to leave that job.
             It was time and life was tired of giving me subtle hints so it gave me a big one. That's what today feels like.
             So I left work without throwing a fit and believe me I wanted to let them know just how pissed I was. I was on my way home when my gas light came on, I figured my insurance check is going to bounce anyways so why should my tank be empty? I put in 13 bucks in the tank and headed home. When I got home I saw one of the other tenants in the complex with a pair of jumper cables in his hand. Turns out that my bad day was the beginning of his lucky one so I helped him get his car started with a jump.
             This time I was listening to what the universe was telling me. I think I was supposed to be off the schedule today, I'm supposed to be broke from that job, if I was making enough money from that job I wouldn't be doing this promotion gig. So for today rather than taking orders and wiping off tables I'll be writing a contract for our biggest client to date! After that I'll be writing an ad for our affordable quinceanera deal on CL! In short (too late) I'll be making my own way!
              I can't believe I just thought of this but I'd also like to officially welcome Jim Miller to DisJointed Productions LLC1 Jim has been with me since the beginning of DisJointed, it's a concept we both came up with but over the years I went in one direction with learning film and Jim went his own and started New Mutiny Media and Geekssociated Press. Now after four years we're finally working together! I was helping Jim with some of his coverage of the Phoenix Comic-Con and since then we found ourselves working together more and more. There's no one else I'd rather be working with, seeing as I have a huge ego and tend not to listen to 98% of criticism that comes my way, Jim is one of the people I trust to always give me some good and more importantly,useful critiques on our work.
               Till next time Party People,
               Keep on a Chooglin!

This sinking feeling

I'm sitting in my car, wasting time before I go into work. Let me say right now that like you , I hate not having money. Nothing makes me feel like less of a man than not coming home with enough money to pay my bills, or even worse , not being able to provide for me and my sweetie.
Recently I was thinking about going back into management as a way to get back on top of things. I was talking to Jennie about this and she said something so beautiful that it brought a tear to eye.
She said that she understands that I'm frustrated and that going back to managing seems like a good idea but she wouldn't want it getting in the way of my dreams. She said that she thinks that the stories I write and the music I make and even the promo videos are all very important and that she wants to see me succeed so much that she doesn't mind if we don't have enough money. "we'll get by",she said.
I felt like the luckiest guy in the world.
So here I sit trying to find my next baby step, do I keep looking for theater work? Perhaps more promo clients, maybe music? Or do I step into the world of producing ? You know now that I think about it, a year ago I never would have had these opportunities while being a manager...
I had a friend once tell me that I have so much of what I've been looking for that I just don't see it. I hate to say it but it's true, maybe my next baby step is learning to get out if my own way.
Till next time Party People
Keep on a chooglin!

Easier said than done my friend

Morning Party People,

          So I laid down for a nap around 4 pm today and I woke up around 1:30 am and now I'm writing to you just to let you know where I'm coming from.
          I'd like to talk about women tonight. I'd like to talk about how from a man's point of view they are the most desirable yet so detestable at times. I'm sure there are many gals who feel the same way about guys and that's cool. I don't want this post to become a "women Suck" rant. I love women, it's just taken me awhile to figure out which women I should love and which ones I shouldn't give two shits about.
           Last Saturday I went to film some shots for an updated promo video for Club Fullfilled in Phoenix. When I walked to the door I saw a wonderful gal who I used to date. She was with her new guy and they seemed to be really happy. That made me feel great to see as I had felt bad how things ended between her and I. Rather than act like some awkward teenager and avoid the two I thought I'd be an adult and say hi. There was a moment of awkwardness  but then I think we remembered we're all adults and went on with the evening. I introduced myself to the new guy who seemed like a really nice guy. I felt good from all of this. Like it was some sort of confronted confrontation that would've existed entirely unnoticed yet fester if left unattended.
           When I got into the club and started filming I noticed that my ex-wife was also there with a date of her own. The couple seemed to be having a very good evening, meaning they were all over each other. As I was filming I tried to not record them in any of my shots (I thought that would have been creepy). I went outside for a smoke and saw them there again and thought I'd say hi, to which she just blew me off and pretended I didn't exist. Can you see the contrast in the women I used to associate with?
           When I hear guys who are having women problems and they just can't seem to understand why they love them so much yet they make their lives so miserable I feel bad for them, who wouldn't it? I feel the same way for gals who have the same issues. I guess they only thing I can say to them is that the only way I found better women in my life was to be a better person. Meaning I had to stop all the crazy shit in my skull. One of the biggest problems I used to have was that I would jump into every relationship with both feat every time one came across my path. I would get hurt and then I would cry and bitch and moan then dust myself off and do it all again when the opportunity arose. As much as I could hate a lot of these gals I just blame myself for getting involved with them. Why do I do that? I do it because I find it a waste of energy to be upset at people who don't behave and act the way I want them to. People are and should always be themselves , unfortunately for my grand ego they don't always fit in how I want them to be.
          Over the past year I finally stopped jumping in with both feat, I learned to take my time and to wait and see what kind of gal I was really getting involved with. In management I found that with any new hire they always show you their best side for the first two weeks, then after that they show you their bad side. The trick is to not have moved in with them before that first month!
           For now I'm grateful for my girlfriend, I'm grateful that we didn't rush into our relationship, I'm grateful that she's an understanding gal who doesn't get uncomfortable when I want to vocalize what it is I'm feeling, and most of all I'm grateful that she's not a bitch =)

Till next time Party People,
Keep on a Chooglin!