Monday, October 6, 2014
Saturday, October 4, 2014
Holy Shit am I distracted!!!
Evening/morning Party People!
I think I have a case of the Mondays. Yes I know I could get my ass kicked for saying something like that but there's a good chance I'd deserve it. I feel a little down which usually means I'm insanely pissed off only I'm tyring not to acknowledge it.
Aside from missing a workout and doing poorly on my diet, I allowed myself to miss a whole week of open mics. Why did I do this? Was I spending a lot of quality time with my sweetie? Nope. Was I spending that time writing new bits or rewriting old ones? Sure wasn't. Was I doing ANYTHING productive with my life at all? Not really. No I spent a lot of time pissed off about my job. Worrying about shit that's out of my control, not how the store works mind you, anyone can influence their work environment. No I spent a week examining the flaws of people that reflect the faults of my own.
I guess I'm dealing from the embarrassment of my actions as well as my inaction. I know I can do better, I know I will. However for this moment in time I'm still a little pissed. I guess I can afford that feeling, allow myself to be as real with me as I wish I was with everyone else in my life. I 'm not trying to be all melodramatic but I happen to be listening to Rufus Wainwrite as I'm writing this blog, so there.
A friend of mine had some issues with a relapse this week, I remember having those, they suck. It's funny how I would convince myself that by falling off the wagon I could make myself happy again. After I'd fall I'd be filled with such anger and shame with myself that it would spiral me into extending the relapse, and so on and so forth. That cycle is what terrifies me some days. It's not the fear that keeps me sane, the fear reminds me to always push myself forward, it's a reminder of how horrible the past can be if I let it. Meaning depending on what I choose to remember depicts the nature of my past. Here's a hint: It's not about just the good or bad shit, it's about accepting both as a chunk of why you're where you're at in this moment in time.
I find acceptance is the key to letting go. With myself anyways, I'm not sure about other people in my life. I used to pray about things like this, it worked, I think. I think I'll try it for tomorrow and see what happens. Some people say Jesus can help, I don't disagree mind you, I just feel better saying I cast a spell of protection with the aid of Jesus. It just sounds more metal I think.
Till next time Party People
Keep on a Chooglin!
I think I have a case of the Mondays. Yes I know I could get my ass kicked for saying something like that but there's a good chance I'd deserve it. I feel a little down which usually means I'm insanely pissed off only I'm tyring not to acknowledge it.
Aside from missing a workout and doing poorly on my diet, I allowed myself to miss a whole week of open mics. Why did I do this? Was I spending a lot of quality time with my sweetie? Nope. Was I spending that time writing new bits or rewriting old ones? Sure wasn't. Was I doing ANYTHING productive with my life at all? Not really. No I spent a lot of time pissed off about my job. Worrying about shit that's out of my control, not how the store works mind you, anyone can influence their work environment. No I spent a week examining the flaws of people that reflect the faults of my own.
I guess I'm dealing from the embarrassment of my actions as well as my inaction. I know I can do better, I know I will. However for this moment in time I'm still a little pissed. I guess I can afford that feeling, allow myself to be as real with me as I wish I was with everyone else in my life. I 'm not trying to be all melodramatic but I happen to be listening to Rufus Wainwrite as I'm writing this blog, so there.
A friend of mine had some issues with a relapse this week, I remember having those, they suck. It's funny how I would convince myself that by falling off the wagon I could make myself happy again. After I'd fall I'd be filled with such anger and shame with myself that it would spiral me into extending the relapse, and so on and so forth. That cycle is what terrifies me some days. It's not the fear that keeps me sane, the fear reminds me to always push myself forward, it's a reminder of how horrible the past can be if I let it. Meaning depending on what I choose to remember depicts the nature of my past. Here's a hint: It's not about just the good or bad shit, it's about accepting both as a chunk of why you're where you're at in this moment in time.
I find acceptance is the key to letting go. With myself anyways, I'm not sure about other people in my life. I used to pray about things like this, it worked, I think. I think I'll try it for tomorrow and see what happens. Some people say Jesus can help, I don't disagree mind you, I just feel better saying I cast a spell of protection with the aid of Jesus. It just sounds more metal I think.
Till next time Party People
Keep on a Chooglin!
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Thursday, September 25, 2014
I'm pretty sure this is killing me, or I am at least.
Morning Party People,
I'll be honest, I've had a rough couple of weeks. Not that anything horrible has happened, it hasn't. However I've been feeling like shit deep down in my everyday life. I don't think it's depression yet I have been pretty depressed. So why have I been feeling this way? What's changed?
That's the big question isn't it? That's fairly simple to answer, what's changed? In short, it's me. I've changed , and I'm sure there's a big part of me that's not happy about it. There's a certain comfort in being self-destructive. You always know what to expect from yourself. There's no change, no matter what happinees there will be a comfort in the depressive muck that I used as a reason to run away and self medicate with various vices. Sure those vices kept me from really living a life worth of any meaning, but I could trust that depression far more than any happiness,
Happy is tricky, happy is difficult , happy is very hard for me trust. I don't know happy as well as I think I should. I'm used to being fat, I'm used to being scared, I'm used to being alone and isolated. At least I had been for many years. A lot of you know that I've been changing those things over the years.
I learned how to love and how to be loved in a meaningful relationship. I learned how to show myself that I care by building up the courage to live life as a performer, as an artist, not just as someone who has the potential to do those things. I've learned that I can care for my body in the same way. I learned that I still like to feel good about the way I look, and that with love ,will, and patience I can work for a healthier life.
That's what I want to focus on in this post. I've been trying to quit smoking for awhile now and I've always failed. Tonight before I went out to the mics, I confessed to Jennie that I probably was going to smoke tonight. I hadn't felt good since I've tried to quit. I've been bumming smokes from co-workers or buying a prime time single. So I never really quit, just cut down to one or two a day. Tonight I bough a pack and was chain smoking the hell out them.
With each drag I felt I was betraying not just Jennie but everything I had been working so hard for. To a certain extent I feel I was. I was hopping that I would be filled with some sort of happy but all I felt was a lie. A lie to myself, a lie to Jennie, and a lie to the body I'm supposed to be trying to fix.
Want to hear something funny? I heard this from the Joe Rogan podcast so I'm paraphrasing here," People think when they smoke they're relieving tension and stress, in fact the only stress you're relieving is the stress caused by not smoking" I didn't want to hear that, because it rang true. I knew this about half way through the evening. I wanted to stop, but then I wondered if stopping at that moment was a way to avoid the truth. Keep in mind that over the years I've become really good at lying to myself. I felt if I quit then I could sy, I made a good choice, knowing full well I was just avoiding the truth.
I wanted to think that I really wanted those smokes, I had to let that part of me get what it wanted. It thought they would make me feel better, when it didn't I forced another one,"How about now?" "What about now?"
Tonight I had to accept the truth, they don't make me feel better, in fact they never helped me at all. You ever realized that there was something in your life that you thought made you happy but then realized it was all a lie? That's what tonight feels like.
I know I'll have withdrawals over the next few days, I've been through that before. I think that now I have a reason, a truth if you will in my heart that can finally help me stop smoking.
Till next time Party People
Keep on a Chooglin!
I'll be honest, I've had a rough couple of weeks. Not that anything horrible has happened, it hasn't. However I've been feeling like shit deep down in my everyday life. I don't think it's depression yet I have been pretty depressed. So why have I been feeling this way? What's changed?
That's the big question isn't it? That's fairly simple to answer, what's changed? In short, it's me. I've changed , and I'm sure there's a big part of me that's not happy about it. There's a certain comfort in being self-destructive. You always know what to expect from yourself. There's no change, no matter what happinees there will be a comfort in the depressive muck that I used as a reason to run away and self medicate with various vices. Sure those vices kept me from really living a life worth of any meaning, but I could trust that depression far more than any happiness,
Happy is tricky, happy is difficult , happy is very hard for me trust. I don't know happy as well as I think I should. I'm used to being fat, I'm used to being scared, I'm used to being alone and isolated. At least I had been for many years. A lot of you know that I've been changing those things over the years.
I learned how to love and how to be loved in a meaningful relationship. I learned how to show myself that I care by building up the courage to live life as a performer, as an artist, not just as someone who has the potential to do those things. I've learned that I can care for my body in the same way. I learned that I still like to feel good about the way I look, and that with love ,will, and patience I can work for a healthier life.
That's what I want to focus on in this post. I've been trying to quit smoking for awhile now and I've always failed. Tonight before I went out to the mics, I confessed to Jennie that I probably was going to smoke tonight. I hadn't felt good since I've tried to quit. I've been bumming smokes from co-workers or buying a prime time single. So I never really quit, just cut down to one or two a day. Tonight I bough a pack and was chain smoking the hell out them.
With each drag I felt I was betraying not just Jennie but everything I had been working so hard for. To a certain extent I feel I was. I was hopping that I would be filled with some sort of happy but all I felt was a lie. A lie to myself, a lie to Jennie, and a lie to the body I'm supposed to be trying to fix.
Want to hear something funny? I heard this from the Joe Rogan podcast so I'm paraphrasing here," People think when they smoke they're relieving tension and stress, in fact the only stress you're relieving is the stress caused by not smoking" I didn't want to hear that, because it rang true. I knew this about half way through the evening. I wanted to stop, but then I wondered if stopping at that moment was a way to avoid the truth. Keep in mind that over the years I've become really good at lying to myself. I felt if I quit then I could sy, I made a good choice, knowing full well I was just avoiding the truth.
I wanted to think that I really wanted those smokes, I had to let that part of me get what it wanted. It thought they would make me feel better, when it didn't I forced another one,"How about now?" "What about now?"
Tonight I had to accept the truth, they don't make me feel better, in fact they never helped me at all. You ever realized that there was something in your life that you thought made you happy but then realized it was all a lie? That's what tonight feels like.
I know I'll have withdrawals over the next few days, I've been through that before. I think that now I have a reason, a truth if you will in my heart that can finally help me stop smoking.
Till next time Party People
Keep on a Chooglin!
Monday, September 22, 2014
Monday, September 15, 2014
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