This feels kind of framiliar in an unfriendly way

Morning Party People!
            Normally I wouldn't be writing to you right now, normally I'd be at work filling the ice bins and getting coffee for all the weary people getting ready to face the brutal environment of Sky Harbor Airport. Today however I'm back at home after I got to work and saw that they cut my hours from 4 days a week to 2. Thanks guys!
            Note to all employers out there in the internet and the world at large, I'll care about your money and bottom line as much as you care about mine. You need to save money? Ok I get that, but I work a position which generates revenue, when you cut hours from those positions they tend not to work as well/make as much money for you. Lucky for me I got a plan!
            So where am I at this point? I feel like I'm back at Uno's in Tempe at the ail end of my time there. Most of my friends had moved on to other jobs,without them there I hated coming to work. As a waiter , the more you hate your job the less money you make FYI. I had said in passing one day that I wanted to put in my two weeks and ta-da! Two weeks later I was off the schedule. Now this is the embarrassing part, I kept picking up a few shifts here and there for like another two or three weeks, after awhile one of the managers just couldn't take it anymore and told me to stop coming in! She said I hadn't been put on the schedule for a reason and I needed to just go. Funny when I look back but at the time it was pretty devastating. I'm glad though, I was locked in a bad relationship with that job, a self destructive one that poisoned the both of us. I needed to go in order to move on, if anything that whole story reminds me of just how tough it was to leave that job.
             It was time and life was tired of giving me subtle hints so it gave me a big one. That's what today feels like.
             So I left work without throwing a fit and believe me I wanted to let them know just how pissed I was. I was on my way home when my gas light came on, I figured my insurance check is going to bounce anyways so why should my tank be empty? I put in 13 bucks in the tank and headed home. When I got home I saw one of the other tenants in the complex with a pair of jumper cables in his hand. Turns out that my bad day was the beginning of his lucky one so I helped him get his car started with a jump.
             This time I was listening to what the universe was telling me. I think I was supposed to be off the schedule today, I'm supposed to be broke from that job, if I was making enough money from that job I wouldn't be doing this promotion gig. So for today rather than taking orders and wiping off tables I'll be writing a contract for our biggest client to date! After that I'll be writing an ad for our affordable quinceanera deal on CL! In short (too late) I'll be making my own way!
              I can't believe I just thought of this but I'd also like to officially welcome Jim Miller to DisJointed Productions LLC1 Jim has been with me since the beginning of DisJointed, it's a concept we both came up with but over the years I went in one direction with learning film and Jim went his own and started New Mutiny Media and Geekssociated Press. Now after four years we're finally working together! I was helping Jim with some of his coverage of the Phoenix Comic-Con and since then we found ourselves working together more and more. There's no one else I'd rather be working with, seeing as I have a huge ego and tend not to listen to 98% of criticism that comes my way, Jim is one of the people I trust to always give me some good and more importantly,useful critiques on our work.
               Till next time Party People,
               Keep on a Chooglin!

This sinking feeling

I'm sitting in my car, wasting time before I go into work. Let me say right now that like you , I hate not having money. Nothing makes me feel like less of a man than not coming home with enough money to pay my bills, or even worse , not being able to provide for me and my sweetie.
Recently I was thinking about going back into management as a way to get back on top of things. I was talking to Jennie about this and she said something so beautiful that it brought a tear to eye.
She said that she understands that I'm frustrated and that going back to managing seems like a good idea but she wouldn't want it getting in the way of my dreams. She said that she thinks that the stories I write and the music I make and even the promo videos are all very important and that she wants to see me succeed so much that she doesn't mind if we don't have enough money. "we'll get by",she said.
I felt like the luckiest guy in the world.
So here I sit trying to find my next baby step, do I keep looking for theater work? Perhaps more promo clients, maybe music? Or do I step into the world of producing ? You know now that I think about it, a year ago I never would have had these opportunities while being a manager...
I had a friend once tell me that I have so much of what I've been looking for that I just don't see it. I hate to say it but it's true, maybe my next baby step is learning to get out if my own way.
Till next time Party People
Keep on a chooglin!

Easier said than done my friend

Morning Party People,

          So I laid down for a nap around 4 pm today and I woke up around 1:30 am and now I'm writing to you just to let you know where I'm coming from.
          I'd like to talk about women tonight. I'd like to talk about how from a man's point of view they are the most desirable yet so detestable at times. I'm sure there are many gals who feel the same way about guys and that's cool. I don't want this post to become a "women Suck" rant. I love women, it's just taken me awhile to figure out which women I should love and which ones I shouldn't give two shits about.
           Last Saturday I went to film some shots for an updated promo video for Club Fullfilled in Phoenix. When I walked to the door I saw a wonderful gal who I used to date. She was with her new guy and they seemed to be really happy. That made me feel great to see as I had felt bad how things ended between her and I. Rather than act like some awkward teenager and avoid the two I thought I'd be an adult and say hi. There was a moment of awkwardness  but then I think we remembered we're all adults and went on with the evening. I introduced myself to the new guy who seemed like a really nice guy. I felt good from all of this. Like it was some sort of confronted confrontation that would've existed entirely unnoticed yet fester if left unattended.
           When I got into the club and started filming I noticed that my ex-wife was also there with a date of her own. The couple seemed to be having a very good evening, meaning they were all over each other. As I was filming I tried to not record them in any of my shots (I thought that would have been creepy). I went outside for a smoke and saw them there again and thought I'd say hi, to which she just blew me off and pretended I didn't exist. Can you see the contrast in the women I used to associate with?
           When I hear guys who are having women problems and they just can't seem to understand why they love them so much yet they make their lives so miserable I feel bad for them, who wouldn't it? I feel the same way for gals who have the same issues. I guess they only thing I can say to them is that the only way I found better women in my life was to be a better person. Meaning I had to stop all the crazy shit in my skull. One of the biggest problems I used to have was that I would jump into every relationship with both feat every time one came across my path. I would get hurt and then I would cry and bitch and moan then dust myself off and do it all again when the opportunity arose. As much as I could hate a lot of these gals I just blame myself for getting involved with them. Why do I do that? I do it because I find it a waste of energy to be upset at people who don't behave and act the way I want them to. People are and should always be themselves , unfortunately for my grand ego they don't always fit in how I want them to be.
          Over the past year I finally stopped jumping in with both feat, I learned to take my time and to wait and see what kind of gal I was really getting involved with. In management I found that with any new hire they always show you their best side for the first two weeks, then after that they show you their bad side. The trick is to not have moved in with them before that first month!
           For now I'm grateful for my girlfriend, I'm grateful that we didn't rush into our relationship, I'm grateful that she's an understanding gal who doesn't get uncomfortable when I want to vocalize what it is I'm feeling, and most of all I'm grateful that she's not a bitch =)

Till next time Party People,
Keep on a Chooglin!

Choc full of Lesbians!!!

Morning Party People!

Lots to talk about today! First off I'd like to say that I feel fantastic! I get to wake up next to a wonderful woman whose love I feel surround me at all times. Even more importantly is that I'm finally in a place where I can accept all these great things that have entered my life. Here's an example:

Last Sunday Girl in a Coma was playing at The Cresent Ballroom in Phoenix and I had been dying to see these gals play live for at least a few years now. Jenny and I had tickets and were ready to go but she felt ill the night of the concert. I felt torn as in this situation in many of my past relationships I would have stayed home so as to not have fun with out my gal with me. Wow when I write it out like that it seems pretty sad, I guess it is/was. Well Jennie said she didn't mind if i went by myself and in a bizarre turn of any of my relationships I believed her. Now I'm sure I would have had a better time if we had both gone but in the end I had a great time by myself and for that I love her all the more.

Oh about the concert! This was one of those special things for me as far as wanting to see something for so long and finally being able to be there and see one of my favorite bands play live was a dream come true. I know I'm making this whole thing out to be something bigger than it actually is but at the same time I'm making an effort to continually be amazed with this world. So about this band, if you happen to be one of the few people I haven't talked their ear off about this band you can check out their web page here www.girlinacoma.com . I felt a little out of place at the concert for a few reasons. You see GIAC has a pretty big lesbian following. Meaning that a lot of lesbians dig their music...not that they're all huge lesbians. Now I know this next part is all in my head but I really didn't want to come off as some creepy guy on the prowl in a bar frequented by lesbians, maybe if I was even chubbier than I am now and had the whole ponytail balding guy thing going...and was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, then I wouldn't have cared what anyone thought. Hey just in case, if you ever see me at 350lbs with a ponytail and a fat guy hawaiin shirt please get me to a shrink as I'm more than likely suicidal.

When I got there the house hadn't really filled up just yet as it was on a Sunday, only the true fans would be in attendance that night. The show started about 8ish which started with Sara Radle which put on one hell of a performance. Next up was Pinata Protest, if I had to describe this band I would say,"Imagine a Latino version of Flogging Molly!" I'll be honest people, I've always hated the accordion but after seeing how the lead singer made that lame ass instrument rock I've changed my mind on the whole thing. There's nothing better than seeing a band you've never heard of and loving every note that you hear as it floats,swims and darts through the air. Even more interesting as that I was standing just off to the left of the stage and it took me a few moments to realize that the the gals in Girl in a Coma were standing right in front of me listening to the opening bands! I wanted to say hi but then I thought about the whole creepy solo guy and thought I should just enjoy the evening as it is.

As for GIAC, as much as they rock on their albums they rock ten fold live! The best part was one of my suspicions were confirmed about their last album Exits and all the Rest. Now out of all their albums the last one is my least favorite. Not because I think it's bad it's just not as good as the others. When it came out I downloaded it and to my dismay a lot of the crunchy guitar was replaced with dulled down rifts. I know they were trying something different but the new tunes didn't really resonate with me. One of the things I thought was that maybe the producer didn't really get the band as they were and tried to fit them into the mold of the industry (cute,sexy, and non threatening). Listening to their new songs live convinced me of this as when I heard  everything that made me love them in the first place with all the ways their music has grown it made me hope that they make a live version of the last album (See Roger Clyne Reel to Real/Honky Tonk Union).

Keeping the Party Going

Evening Party People,
     Tonight's theme is keeping the party going and when I say Party I mean our day to day lives. why would I refer to our lives as parties? Hey it's not like I don't know that a lot of us have to go to work in the morning or are late on whatever bills we have. Hell most of us might have just had the shittiest day in a long time so why the hell is it a party?
     I think of it this way: Just because there are balloons and cake in the room doesn't mean that you'd have a good time right? Then again some night just having a good conversation is enough to create a memory that can shape your whole life, it's kind of what we make it.
     There in lies the challenge compardes. It's so fucking tough to keep our collective heads up in this world when we look at our problems we see that there isn't the black and white that we were brought up with but a collage of greys that muddle the contrast of this world. I think we look for an "answer" to put our lives in order. Maybe you don't but I have and I try not to these days. Don't get the wrong idea, it's not like I'm bowing out of the rat race but I find that we miss an important element in this whole process.

    "Before the answer comes we must make a choice and there in lies the truth to our lives"

     I've spoken a lot about what the next baby step is and how that's made the difference in my life. That all still applies mind you but I wanted to talk about "choice" as it's the closest thing to a super power that we as humans have. If you think about it you have the power to create and destroy anything in your life via the power of choice. Have a job you hate? You could change that but most of us don't and and up taking our frustrations out on those around us. Have a bad relationship? Some choice to end it or do the same thing as they did with their shitty jobs. All of these things begin and end with tiny choices.
     I think the more ownership we take of those choices the more empowered we'd begin to feel.
So here I am, at the Party, there's music and people and none of them are familiar to me. I make a choice and I breathe in, I fill my lungs and my eyes widen and I see the ebb and flow of the conversations around me. I look for glances that have drifted my way and I see that all of the eyes are focused elsewhere. So I close my eyes and I take another breath and I hear the roar of the crowd. I can't make out any words but I inhale and then I hear it, laughter. It's a joyous laughter that sounds welcoming and I open my eyes and follow the flow and find myself around the joy. It's here I make a choice and live in the moment.

     My next baby step in this life is to get a rehearsal schedule set and work out a set list for the show next month as well as confirm the contact's date and time. Shouldn't be that tough right? What's your next step Party People, feel free to share if you wish. You never know, maybe some of you are on the same page.

Till next time Party People,
Keep on a Chooglin!

Love love love?

Evening Party People!
          Love is the word of the day, don't worry I'm sure tomorrow it'll be grease so all you Musical Theater peeps can take it easy for a day.
          It's1:30 in the morning and my mind is racing which is odd because I didn't think it was in that good a shape to jog much less race.So here I am with my sweetie sound asleep via her "rain" app on her phone and I'm amazed that this is my life as it stands. Granted I'm broke right now so that part isn't so amazing but the rest is pretty awesome.
          So where was I? Oh yeah,Love! So what do I love? For that matter what is love? It could either be a battlefield,blind,cruel,unyielding,unrelenting,awesome,deadly, or in some cases war. A lot of harsh words to describe something that's supposed to be so beautiful.I've used those words to describe love on many occasions. To me Love was a kin to a tornado that tore through the trailer park of my soul. I didn't trust love for many reasons, mainly because when I did fall for a gal she usually wasn't interested, that or she was toxic.
          Then it hit me a few years ago around the time my wife and I separated that it hit me, I didn't know what love was, at least not in a relationship setting. Sounds lame huh? I didn't believe it myself for awhile. I mean I bet we all saw the saw movies, listened to the same love songs , and saw the same prince sweep the same damsel in distress and live happily ever after. So how could I not know?
           I think a lot of it might be found in the paradox of art. Art such as movies and song are meant to tell stories and tales of such things and we take them for truth because we can relate to it, or at least want to. As truthful as it might be, it's only a story, it's only real to the one who made it, not to the audience. For a young kid to base his knowledge of love on a ballad of lament and sorry is only asking for trouble.
           "We learn how to lie most effectively so we can bring truth to the stage"- Some stuffy AMDA person.
           Did I find love? I'm not sure, but I know it's not like what I thought love was a few years ago and that's promising. When I say that I'm not just talking about my sweetie but life and people in general and what the hell, I'll throw myself in there as well.
            I'm not sure I can say exactly what love is but I can say this, I've found to get the most out it the reaction is much stronger through action as opposed to words. To listen without judgment is a great trait to have but it actually means something to the world when we use it as opposed to just saying we have it. Saying we have self esteem is one thing, doing something to bring one of our dreams to fruition is another feat entirely. I could go on and on but I think you get the idea.
           How can I put these thoughts into reality as it pertains to me? As for my relationship I do my best to love Jennie moment by moment as opposed to "till the end of time". As for myself? I'm organizing my friends into playing a gig next month at a music festival.
           So many irons in the fire perhaps this was the red hot passion I've heard so much about.

Till next time Party People,
Keep on a Chooglin

My night at the Club

Evening Party People!
      So what's new in your world? That's what I'm always asking so as to remind myself to never stop being amazed with life's details. A great man once said,"Life moves pretty fast, if you're not careful, you could miss it."

      I'm pretty excited these days for a few reasons. Number one (in no particular order) is that Jennie is moving in with me! I'm so excited about this new addition to the household! For what seems to be forever it's only been Oscar and myself. Now Jennie will be here 24/7 and she's bringing her pup Stu. Stu is a small chihuahua/dachshund mix and Oscar is an old grump cat, let the sitcom begin!
      Another reason I'm so excited about this is that it's been a long time since I've really shared my life with someone. I know I've dated many gals in the past few years with varying degrees of closeness but nothing as personal as living with that someone. After my marriage I guess I've been afraid that I would hurt any relationship I had in the same way. Well that fear is just going to have to take a back seat as I've confronted it and now it's time to move that aspect of my life forward! I mean we can't be the sum of our errors forever right? Sooner or later we all have to start being a person again.
      Hey speaking of past relationships, I ran into my ex wife at a club I was filming =s  How's that for awkward?
      It was funny, when I saw her walking into the club I was filled with panic. I wasn't sure what was going to happen. Was she going to see me and walk right out? That would have made thing easier in some ways but I would have felt bad that my mere presences fucked up her evening. Was she coming in with someone she's dating? If so would I do something stupid in response?
      Those were just some of the thoughts that I was able to keep track of as many others were moving so fast, emotions flared to an intensity that I haven't felt in a long time, and in the end I felt numb. I took a deep breath and after a few minutes I walked over and said hi. I complimented her on how she looked and then we chatted for a few more minutes and I went back to filming.
       Over the next hour I tried not to notice her but at the same time I was very curious about her. It was the strangest thing. She seemed happier than I have ever seen her. It made me feel good to see that. Honestly I'm happier than I have ever been in a long time and I don't think I would have ever made it this far if I had stayed married. I always felt a little guilty about that but seeming her laugh and giggle as she danced I knew deep down that she'd found a new happiness in her life just like I did.
        The weird part was watching some dude hit on her in the creepiest way. I'm not sure if she was into him or not but I was certain that it was none of my business. It its weird seeing someone who you were once very close to with someone else. Lucky for me I'm a different person and so is she.
        There was something else I noticed that night. Something that didn't really sit with me all to well, then again this never did. I was outside smoking a cig with a couple of other guys. A few gals who had just shown up were walking into the club. You know what? before I go on let me tell you about this club because it matters to this story.
        Club Fullfilled is the name and if you want to know more about it you can check out the site here at www.clubfullfilled.com . Club Fullfilled is a BBW club focusing on size acceptance. What is size acceptance? It's about being comfortable in your own skin regardless of how big or small you are. Now I've been heavy most of my life but I never felt desirable till about ten years ago. I know that could be said for a lot of us but when you're a heavy person you never really feel like you're a part of the world. Everything I saw on TV or in the movies were of athletic attractive people, rarely did I ever see someone who was fat. If I did they were usually playing a character who was either a coward or an idiot, if it was a heavy gal she was either a frail emotionally crippled gal or a bossy bitch. This club seeks to do away with all of those preconceptions so as to accept the 'Size" so you can see the "Person".
        Ok
         At that point one of the guys said there would be after a few more beers. I was pretty disheartened by that statement. If there were ever a place where big people like myself could be safe from dumb shit like that you'd figure this would be the place, I guess not. Let me say this Party People, I've been with quite a few women , some were very attractive and some were not but I would never deny ever being with them because of how they looked or even worse, say I was only with them because I was drunk. My first girlfriend in high school was a little person and I caught some shit from some of my friends for it. I got teased about it and they talked about her as if she wasn't even a person. I almost got into a fight or two about this but in the end they just stopped teasing me about it. In the end maybe they understood that I was dating that gal for me and not for them so they could take there stupid judgment and go fuck themselves with it. Years latter I hooked up with a gal who was a chubby chaser, the sex was good but she'd never introduce me to her friends who did nothing but chase thin pretty boys.
          As much as I'd love to continue hating these people I feel sorry for them. I'm not sure if they'll ever accept that high school is over. There is no more cool clique, no more cool table to sit at during lunch where people could admire your status among the unremarkable crowd. There is only you and your life, the only opinion one should ever care about is that of one's own existence. Does this make me happy? Does this person inspire something good in me be it love lust or just pure intrigue? Would I like me if I were to spend time with this new person?
          This life is short Party People and I think we miss out on so much when we think of what other people think about us. Ego gives a shit about that stuff, not our head and hearts.

           Till next time Party People,
           Keep on a Chooglin!