A thought comes to mind...

  Morning Party People,

    As I write this is's around 10 am on a Friday morning . Two nights ago I deleted all the games on my PS4 as well as my computer. I feel the need to spend more time with my mind and thoughts instead of focusing them on things other than themselves. At this point in my life I'm also thinking more about my diet as well as my mental health.

    A few days ago my friend Bear told me that he can sense the misery radiating off of me. Like my anger enters the room before I do. The moment the words hit my ears I could feel my eyes start to tear up. In the past that's always been a sign that truth is radiating in me. I had to take a moment to force myself not to be defensive about it, even more proof that he had. apoint. I don't know why crying was one of my first instincts , it was a throwback to my 20's, back then I had constructed a world in my mind thinking that no one cared about me. That was a fallacy of course but I was nuts back then and for some reason that was easier to believe in than a world where people did care about me. I think that lie was easier to believe than the truth that I didn't care about me. 

    So then the work was clear,"Why are you so miserable Dave?"

    I started to make a list of the focal points of my life and if they were making me happy or not.

    - Jennie? Happy

    - Comedy? Happy but could be better.

    - Health? Not Happy, 

    - Day Job? Really not happy.

    - Family? Not as close as I should be, but happy.

    - Personal Growth and creativity? Neglected so not happy, however it's not making me sad.

    So from that list the one that sticks out is the day job. This week I took steps to improve that situation. If my plan works out, I wont see results for a month but even that has lifted a weight off my shoulders. The next was health, my weight being the biggest part of it. 

    A few years back when I was working at Old Chicago, I got down to 285. I know that's a lot but I have been over 300 lbs for quite some time, so 285 was a big achievement for me. Then when I started working in an office, I had gained 75 lbs. The weird thing was for a big chunk of that time I was going to the gym every other day. I felt helpless, like I had a disease that is going to keep me fat no matter what I do. I know there are a lot of body positivity people out there who think there is nothing wrong with being fat but I'm not one of those people.  To me it's not living up to my potential, it's neglecting a responsibility.

    This week Ethan Suplee was on The JRE podcast and spoke about his weightloss journey. One of the many things he said that resonated with me was Ethan having to ask himself why he chose to make choices that were so unhealthy for him? So I asked myself, why do I choose to eat in a way that will hurt me in the long run? Don't get me wrong, when I eat candy or anything sweet, I'm not thinking,"Fuck you Dave, eat this ice cream!" So there must be something else going on.

    There are a few parts to this, but if I was going to do reduce the whole issue into one word, it would be "Control".

    I'm afraid my anger will be let loose and I'll hurt people. If you're fat and out of shape, you won't be able to hurt anyone.

    People tell me I'm too fat growing up, I can't confront them . What I can do is say no by not doing what they tell me do and gain weight. I know fat shaming can motivate some people but in my case it had the opposite effect.

    When I started the catering position/office job. I felt that nothing I ever did was good enough and I was always being critiqued on everything I did. My weight was never an issue but I think seeing as it was something I did have control of, I choose to eat like shit.

    In many of those cases, my inability at the time to confront the issue at hand made me regress to my childhood tactic of using the one form of control I had in my life, which was what food I ate. It was like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die. So as these feeling reveal themselves from my subconscious to the. conscious, let us see how I can use them to better myself.

Till next time Party People, Keep on a Chooglin'

My thoughts on the whole Gina Carano situation.

 Hello Party People,

    So I've been upset over the past few days over the whole Gina Carano situation. I've been fighting the urge to take to social media and voice my opinion but then I thought, why don't I just go outside and start swinging punches into the void as I throw kicks into the night. All those options are futile and comical to say the least.

    I've seen many people on my timeline cheer for Disney not moving forward with the Cara Dune character. I've also seen it worded differently. An example would be that "Disney will not move forward with any project with Gina Carano" which has one effect. The other would be a kin too ,"Disney fires Gina Carano for abhorrent social media tweets." which gets a much different reaction. So who do I believe?

    I went on her twitter page and scrolled for a few minutes and couldn't find anything offensive. Then I read that the tweets in question were removed. I did see one post where (to me) she was talking about a society that was turned on each other and as a result many people were killed. She used the treatment of the Jewish people in Germany to which some people took even more offense to that. I'm sure that there are other examples that people have but I have to admit, there's something underneath all of this that is really troubling me.

    Before I go forward, I must tell you that as of this writing, I'm still not sure what's pissing me off so much. Here's what I do know.

    - There seemed to be a concerted effort to attack Gina Carrano from a month or so back. Another faceless internet mob going after a celebrity. I can go either way on this one, let's be honest, there a shit ton of famous people who get talked into "Using their voice" by people who no one would ever want to listen to. Sometimes it a great thing to behold, most of the time it isn't.

    - Disney seems to be able to dictate an actors behavior and expression even when they're not working. This is a huge grey area, inside of an enigma, that's perched on a slippery slope. I remember a company in Arizona who refused to hire anyone who smoked cigarettes. From what I remember, this wasn't just for people who were working on the clock, but it applied to their employees when they weren't at work. There was a big debate on the company policy but the general question was ,"Does the company you work for have control over what you do in your free time?" I think the big difference between Disney and any other company is that Disney has the element of publicity to deal with. Even so, I would be conflicted if someone offered me fame and money but I have to stop being who I am. For the record, anyone who would walk away from a dream job to keep their integrity has heart to say the least.

    - There are a bunch of fake ass artists on my page that will cheer for someones demise over their beliefs. It's their right to express themselves for sure, I just wish they'd stop pretending to be an artist. When other people think of artist stereotype, it's one of a weak willed, emotionally fragile person that needs someone to take care of them because they're too sensitive to handle the real world....maybe that's just my view of most artists, maybe that's my fear of what I might become? The point is, a true artist has the conviction to stand for what they believe in, no matter how batshit crazy it might be. There were too many of my fellow artists on my feed who were cheering on this whole event, to which I just unfriended. I wish them the best but the main reason I stay in contact with so many artists on my Facebook page was to hopefully work with them further on down the road. Well I don't want to to work with them anymore. Integrity means a lot to me.

    - There is a level of hypocrisy that I'm not sure people are seeing (or maybe I'm reading too much into it). You know if you want want strong women with conviction in this world, there's a chance they're not going to think the way you want them to think, right? On one hand there are a bunch of people who were really all,"Yaas Queen" over the Cara Dune character, while at the same time there were people wanting Gina Carano to shut up and keep her thoughts to herself. I know they're not the same thing but you have to admit, the whole situation is odd.

    In the end, I'm caught up in a whirlwind of emotion to which nothing good could come of. I know a woman like Gina Carano doesn't need a guy to stand up and defend her. I know the character of Cara Dune reminded me a lot of the strong women I grew up around and learned from. I know that I'm bummed that there wont be any more stories with her in it. 

    At the end of the day, there were two great seasons of The Mandalorian, which were two more than I really expected there to be. The good times I had watching that show with my wife can never be taken away and for that, I'm grateful.

Till next time Party People,

Keep on a Chooglin!

The Mansplaining Ship has left the Harbor!

 Evening Party People,

    I'm finally putting my creative money where my metaphysical mouth is.... or something like that. I wanted to let you all know that the first Episode of Mansplaining with Jacob and Dave is officially out in the internet!

    We broadcast it live on Twitch every Thursday at 9 (the Seinfeld slot sun!). You can follow my channel at twitch.tv/disjointeddave and get notifications when we go live.

    Or you can watch clips of our show on You Tube

 https://youtu.be/yVaj2dgegtg

    Lastly, you can download the audio podcast on Spreaker, Spotify, and hopefully iTunes and Stitcher in the future.

    It's taken me a long time to get the courage to create something like this show, a show that once you get past the bombast and spectacle of manliness, caries a message that we hope young men will listen to. Thanks for sticking with me this far.

Till Next time Party People,

Keep on a Chooglin'

Another First Step Forward, Another Step Further from Home

 Evening Party People,

    As I write this, it's 9:34 PM on a Monday here in Denver Colorado. I was planning to take a day off tomorrow but the gods of the Day Job have summoned me once again to be at work at 7 in the morning. I half expected it as I was trying to work my Restaurant Magic to summon business.

    This morning I had to go to Sam's Club to pick up some supplies for work. As I was walking past the gift section I saw a Yamaha Keyboard with a stand for a decent price. I've felt impulse buys before but something told me I had to get this as opposed to me really wanting it. Was it an impulse to spend? Was I trying to feel fulfilled via a new toy?

    I've felt that many times before but this time there was no rush, no euphoria, just a feeling of completion. Like this was a step I have been needing to take for quite sometime. I've felt for awhile that my fear or singing in public has been a weak spot in my armor for a long time. I think it was because it was the first time I had failed in front of a crowd before. It was like sparring for the first time, that moment of terror when one realizes that they're not naturally gifted, that this won't come easy.

     The sounds like a reasonable fear right? My problem was I wasn't used to that feeling when it happened. I was gifted at a fairly decent amount of things so the thought of me not being "good enough" never entered my mind. That's a dangerous place to be. Now I've failed before but when I do it's due to me not performing up to my skill level, which I know. When it comes to singing and music, I have no idea where my level is. So there is fear. A fear that even if I devote myself to music, that I still won't be any good, I won't be special. 

    Silly fear right? It is, if I look at it with reason. However, fear isn't always based in reason and as such, reason isn't always the best tool to undo this knot. In this case, the tool I must use is knowledge. I have to follow this path to see where the end is. I must know if I have anything to offer in this art. If I find out that I don't, at least I'll know and fear will have no power. If I find I have some talent but nothing "great", then at least I'll know. If I find I have the same energy in my acting and stand-up as I would in music, then I'll know.

    So now I have this new tool in the Studio, which looks more like a studio than a bedroom with a computer in it. I'm happy with my choices, I'm happy with my life. At least for today I am, that's good enough for the time being. Tomorrow I will take a step creatively in another direction, should be an interesting journey.

Till Next Time Party People,

Keep on a Chooglin'

2020 Right?

 What's Shakin Party People,

    As I write this it's almost 11 PM here in Colorado . The wind is chilly outside, below freezing to be sure. It's the kind of cold where it should be snowing but it isn't, as if the world hasn't decided how wonderful or crappy your next morning is going to be.

    I'm writing on a new keyboard that went with the new computer I got yesterday. Could I afford it? Not really but I've been wanting a new computer to edit video with and thats exactly what I got. Now I have the tools I need....just need to actually make something now.

    I have two podcasts scheduled to record coming up, that's a good step. However these baby steps are like a workout routine that my body has gotten used to, to the point that it doesn't do much good when I do it, but if I don't my ass gets way bigger. That's not a reason to stop obviously, just an acknowledgment that I need to step up the workout.

    I know I've said this before but maybe I need to clarify it for myself. The next two projects I will start will be one of a Video. Those take a while to make, to plan, to re-plan, then to scrape the whole thing and start over.

    The next one after that will be music related. I need to finish a song that I started many years ago. It's sappy but I think the reason I have such a hard time working on it, is that there's a piece of truth that I haven't reached yet, an honesty I haven't let go of yet that will show the way. This sounds lame but I've always felt that some songs have a life of their own and they won't enter this world until they find an artist that will tell it's story on it's terms. In that respect, that moment that created the song, that point in time that changed my heart, it has one or two more things to say before it can be made whole.

    I've been looking for that "Next Level" in my art. It would be great if all I had to do was get super drunk and high and let the thoughts fly out of every hole in the Universe. One the other hand, might be worth a shot?

    I know I'd like to spend a day with some mushrooms and see what happens. My friends have had some interesting results with them. If I do get some magic mushrooms I'll be sure to let you all know how it went.

    I know this is a short blog but it's late and I need to get some sleep, you should do the same .

    Till Next Time Party People, Keep on a Chooglin'

No one Likes a quitter!

 Evening Party People.

    As I write this week's blog entry, it's 10 AM on a Sunday. I'm not sure if I had a productive day or if I should have just enjoyed my time. I found I spent a part of my day worrying about my day job. Every time I do I think about how I use my day job as a distraction (or  form of resistance) that keeps me from creating. I'm getting better at catching myself when I do so, however that doesn't change the position I find myself in. Ah Covid, when will you stop bringing out the worst in us all?

    On a more positive note, my Onnit Kettle bell came in last week and this was the first week I used it! That's right, 5 out of 7 days I was swinging this thing around in the studio working up a sweat and dragging my heart rate kicking and screaming into the far burning zone! I count this week as a success on that front of my plan. I gave myself a good example of how I feel after I workout. I used to feel this way when I had a gym membership but that was a while back. It feels good to feel good again. Now I need to keep this same pace for one more week before I add any new aspect to these workouts. The art of encouraging one's self without enabling it is a tricky balance. The only way I've been able to tell is by being brutally honest on how I feel about myself.

    Now on to why I named this week's entry the way I did. I'm quitting smoking once again. Or I'm going off my break of the last time I quit. Either way you put it, I'm requiting smoking..? I had quit for a year and then I started falling off the wagon around the time of the first lockdown. I had gone back to a pack a day for about three weeks now, before that I was buying a bunch of the Prime Time single smokes with the fruit flavors on the filter. If you're not sure which one's those are, they're the cigs you would give to a kid. Either way, I've been smoking and I don't want to. Why? The short answer is 85. That's the age I want to make it to. 

    I turn 45 in December and I'm starting to doubt the amount of time I have left on this world. My Father died when he was in his 50's and now, more than ever, I'm getting closer and closer to the day I say, I'm older than my father was. All I know is I want my time hear to mean something, I want what I've always wanted. To be a part of the Human Story and be a part that made this world a little better than how I found it. 

    This plan that I've started to take that big step is getting closer and closer. With every word I write, for every workout I do. I'm trusting myself just a little bit more and more. It's like giving myself an affirmation that's more than just lip service.

    I should have a new podcast up by tomorrow afternoon, if you haven't already, please check out the podcast and subscribe to it wherever you listen to podcasts.

    Till next time Party People, keep on a Chooglin!

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