Another First Step Forward, Another Step Further from Home

 Evening Party People,

    As I write this, it's 9:34 PM on a Monday here in Denver Colorado. I was planning to take a day off tomorrow but the gods of the Day Job have summoned me once again to be at work at 7 in the morning. I half expected it as I was trying to work my Restaurant Magic to summon business.

    This morning I had to go to Sam's Club to pick up some supplies for work. As I was walking past the gift section I saw a Yamaha Keyboard with a stand for a decent price. I've felt impulse buys before but something told me I had to get this as opposed to me really wanting it. Was it an impulse to spend? Was I trying to feel fulfilled via a new toy?

    I've felt that many times before but this time there was no rush, no euphoria, just a feeling of completion. Like this was a step I have been needing to take for quite sometime. I've felt for awhile that my fear or singing in public has been a weak spot in my armor for a long time. I think it was because it was the first time I had failed in front of a crowd before. It was like sparring for the first time, that moment of terror when one realizes that they're not naturally gifted, that this won't come easy.

     The sounds like a reasonable fear right? My problem was I wasn't used to that feeling when it happened. I was gifted at a fairly decent amount of things so the thought of me not being "good enough" never entered my mind. That's a dangerous place to be. Now I've failed before but when I do it's due to me not performing up to my skill level, which I know. When it comes to singing and music, I have no idea where my level is. So there is fear. A fear that even if I devote myself to music, that I still won't be any good, I won't be special. 

    Silly fear right? It is, if I look at it with reason. However, fear isn't always based in reason and as such, reason isn't always the best tool to undo this knot. In this case, the tool I must use is knowledge. I have to follow this path to see where the end is. I must know if I have anything to offer in this art. If I find out that I don't, at least I'll know and fear will have no power. If I find I have some talent but nothing "great", then at least I'll know. If I find I have the same energy in my acting and stand-up as I would in music, then I'll know.

    So now I have this new tool in the Studio, which looks more like a studio than a bedroom with a computer in it. I'm happy with my choices, I'm happy with my life. At least for today I am, that's good enough for the time being. Tomorrow I will take a step creatively in another direction, should be an interesting journey.

Till Next Time Party People,

Keep on a Chooglin'

2020 Right?

 What's Shakin Party People,

    As I write this it's almost 11 PM here in Colorado . The wind is chilly outside, below freezing to be sure. It's the kind of cold where it should be snowing but it isn't, as if the world hasn't decided how wonderful or crappy your next morning is going to be.

    I'm writing on a new keyboard that went with the new computer I got yesterday. Could I afford it? Not really but I've been wanting a new computer to edit video with and thats exactly what I got. Now I have the tools I need....just need to actually make something now.

    I have two podcasts scheduled to record coming up, that's a good step. However these baby steps are like a workout routine that my body has gotten used to, to the point that it doesn't do much good when I do it, but if I don't my ass gets way bigger. That's not a reason to stop obviously, just an acknowledgment that I need to step up the workout.

    I know I've said this before but maybe I need to clarify it for myself. The next two projects I will start will be one of a Video. Those take a while to make, to plan, to re-plan, then to scrape the whole thing and start over.

    The next one after that will be music related. I need to finish a song that I started many years ago. It's sappy but I think the reason I have such a hard time working on it, is that there's a piece of truth that I haven't reached yet, an honesty I haven't let go of yet that will show the way. This sounds lame but I've always felt that some songs have a life of their own and they won't enter this world until they find an artist that will tell it's story on it's terms. In that respect, that moment that created the song, that point in time that changed my heart, it has one or two more things to say before it can be made whole.

    I've been looking for that "Next Level" in my art. It would be great if all I had to do was get super drunk and high and let the thoughts fly out of every hole in the Universe. One the other hand, might be worth a shot?

    I know I'd like to spend a day with some mushrooms and see what happens. My friends have had some interesting results with them. If I do get some magic mushrooms I'll be sure to let you all know how it went.

    I know this is a short blog but it's late and I need to get some sleep, you should do the same .

    Till Next Time Party People, Keep on a Chooglin'

No one Likes a quitter!

 Evening Party People.

    As I write this week's blog entry, it's 10 AM on a Sunday. I'm not sure if I had a productive day or if I should have just enjoyed my time. I found I spent a part of my day worrying about my day job. Every time I do I think about how I use my day job as a distraction (or  form of resistance) that keeps me from creating. I'm getting better at catching myself when I do so, however that doesn't change the position I find myself in. Ah Covid, when will you stop bringing out the worst in us all?

    On a more positive note, my Onnit Kettle bell came in last week and this was the first week I used it! That's right, 5 out of 7 days I was swinging this thing around in the studio working up a sweat and dragging my heart rate kicking and screaming into the far burning zone! I count this week as a success on that front of my plan. I gave myself a good example of how I feel after I workout. I used to feel this way when I had a gym membership but that was a while back. It feels good to feel good again. Now I need to keep this same pace for one more week before I add any new aspect to these workouts. The art of encouraging one's self without enabling it is a tricky balance. The only way I've been able to tell is by being brutally honest on how I feel about myself.

    Now on to why I named this week's entry the way I did. I'm quitting smoking once again. Or I'm going off my break of the last time I quit. Either way you put it, I'm requiting smoking..? I had quit for a year and then I started falling off the wagon around the time of the first lockdown. I had gone back to a pack a day for about three weeks now, before that I was buying a bunch of the Prime Time single smokes with the fruit flavors on the filter. If you're not sure which one's those are, they're the cigs you would give to a kid. Either way, I've been smoking and I don't want to. Why? The short answer is 85. That's the age I want to make it to. 

    I turn 45 in December and I'm starting to doubt the amount of time I have left on this world. My Father died when he was in his 50's and now, more than ever, I'm getting closer and closer to the day I say, I'm older than my father was. All I know is I want my time hear to mean something, I want what I've always wanted. To be a part of the Human Story and be a part that made this world a little better than how I found it. 

    This plan that I've started to take that big step is getting closer and closer. With every word I write, for every workout I do. I'm trusting myself just a little bit more and more. It's like giving myself an affirmation that's more than just lip service.

    I should have a new podcast up by tomorrow afternoon, if you haven't already, please check out the podcast and subscribe to it wherever you listen to podcasts.

    Till next time Party People, keep on a Chooglin!

Latest DisJointed Podcast Episode!

 You can listen to the most recent episode on Spreaker here. You can also find me on iTunes , Stitcher, Spotify, or anywhere you listen to podcasts!

It's Time to Start Planning my Exit from My Day Job.

 What's shakin' Party People,

    At this moment in time it's 1:00 AM here in Denver. I have my laptop, my music (tonight's choice is Radical Face: The Branches), I have some tea and I'm ready to write.

    I just finished watching the Documentary series of The Comedy Store in LA. If you've read my past blogs you'll remember that Jennie and I went there to watch Kill Tony. The series is split into 5 parts and I burned through 4 of them the first evening. If you're a comic and your serious about your art, I'd recommend this series. Watching the store grow through the decades as well as the comics who came through there was inspirational.

    As I watched the series I kept thinking about the one night I was there. There was no seating inside the club so we had to sit in the parking lot and watch the show on a tv. The only time I spent inside was to go to the bathroom, even still, just walking in the hallway I could feel the energy of all the greats, all my comedy heroes who walked down the same hall. I know that sounds hokey, perhaps it is. I've seen celebrities before, I lived in New York and I had seen many celebrities walking down Broadway on a daily basis. (I still owe Rosie O'Donnell an apology) 

    This wasn't like that though, this feeling I had, it was like hearing a familiar voice calling from the darkness. Not from any distant shore, someplace closer, someplace forgotten, it came from inside the dreams of my youth, the dreams of a sixteen year old kid who knew he was going to be a star!

    You ever give up on a dream but you forgot to tell yourself ? That's what I felt like walking through those halls. That's what I felt when we drove down Sunset Blvd, that's the wonderful agony I felt when we drove past Warner Brother's Studios. It was finding a piece of me that I set aside, that night i found it and I feel so much more of myself than I have in years.

Meanwhile back at the ranch...

    Oh life, how dare you let me use so much of you as an excuse not to live you? Earlier this year I accepted a position at my job that was way more responsibility than I wanted yet not so much where I couldn't accept it. As of writing this blog, many restaurants are on the brink of failing, many of us who have been manning the helm are tired and we want it to end. I'd complain more but I know there are many people who don't even have a job...that doesn't make mine suck any less though.

    I have a hunch that once Christmas comes and goes, that will be the end of my job. The thing that worries me isn't not having a job, it's having another job that I use as an excuse not to live the life I wanted. Don't get me wrong, I've had a lot of great things come from my employment, I've learned a lot about selling, a lot about money, and even better, how to be successful and thrive instead of just survive.

    So now after all these years about talking about making that journey from a 9-5 life to one of creativity, I think I'm ready to take that step. Now to make a plan!

    I'm not going to jump off the cliff into the darkness without gathering the right tools first. First step Money!

- I need to make sure I have a few months worth of rent before I do this, luckily I have a great paying job and I have my car paid off, which allows me to save. So no PS5 for me this holiday season.

    Step two, health!

- To be marketable for any acting rolls I'd want to do, I need to be in better health. Meaning not fat. This isn't so I can be accepted by the world, I'm doing this because I hate most of the characters that are played by fat guys. so I've bought a kettle bell which is a good start. I'll also work on the Wim Hoff breathing method to help recovery. I might even break out the DDP Yoga one more time. The point is, I have to prove to myself now that I can move toward a healthier me. I don't want to wait until my job is gone before I start working on my body. It's training for when I have open days, I don't want to waste time sitting in front of the computer pissing my day away. If I have more time to work on myself, I need to prove that I won't waste it.

    Step three, create!

- I need to not only work on comedy but podcasting as well as video editing. I might even add music back into the mix. The point is, I need to have already put a lot of time into improving all the aspects of my creativity and not wait until I have the time. I will make the time!

    Step four, stop writing this blog and get some sleep.

   - Sorry I just realized how tired I am now.

Till next time Party People, Keep on a Chooglin!

I think it's time to take a good look inward.

 What's shakin' Party People?

    At the time of this writing. I sit on a perch high above my own world. I come here time to time and try to see where I have gone wrong. I also look for ways that I share the mistakes of those whom I care for. If I'm feeling particularly masochistic, I look for the same mistakes that I made with people I don't care for at all.

    This is a difficult place to be, it's uncomfortable, it's agonizing, the fear of the pain it will bring far outweighs the benefit of facing it. In short, It's like being a Fat Guy who knows he needs to exercise but just doesn't want to. Normally my fat ass doesn't hurt anyone unless you're sitting next to me on the plane. It's strange isn't it? My life with all it's issues can exist just fine until I have to interact with someone else. That's more true than false the more I think about it. The same could be said about how I speak, how I feel, and more importantly how I act.

    You remember the kid in your neighborhood that grew up in a house with completely different set of rules than you did? Like their parents let the curse or choose what they wanted for dinner, They seemed liked they could do whatever they wanted while you lived in a version of prison with some G.I. Joe's to play with? They would be at your house to play and would do something that's normal at their house but is a hell worthy trespass in your house. Then you stuck in the middle of two worlds, both real, both have value, yet you're not sure which one to believe in. That's kind of how I feel when I pop in to look at my Facebook feed.

    If what I'm about to talk about makes no sense, I'd suggest that you go see the Netflix Doc, "The Social Dilemma". Watching this film seemed to put a finger on what I felt was going wrong in my life.  I felt disconnected in my own world, I still do to a certain extent. I feel separated from my friends and family, I feel like I have to feel the same way they do on an issue or they won't like me anymore. In turn I have avoided talking to people who were friends because of views they had that I didn't share. So by no means am I innocent in this scenario. I think we're all villains, we're also all victims. We are the kind of victim that no one feels sorry for because we did this to ourselves. I mean you can feel bad for a person who discovered why they became an addict, as we all should. However , once they make a choice not to work on themselves, then I think it's best I save my sympathy for someone where it isn't a waste. For any young idealist reading this word jumble, I'd say to be cautious of a precious thing like a loving heart, there are thieves who will take it just so you don't have it. I'm getting off the subject that I wanted to talk about, sorry about that.

    In a few days, we will have a country divided , isolated, and furious. They have been watching what has been going on in their world, they watch the news, they have their finger on the pulse of what this world is all about. If that were true.....why didn't their guy win? How could this world be on the wrong side of history? It's obvious isn't it?

    We are wrong. We're wrong on how we perceive the world, and we are defiantly completely wrong on how we think other people see the world. Notice I didn't say "You", I said "We". 

    In times of struggle, humanity has always banded together to defeat an adversary, in this case , the adversary has already divided us so we can't use the very evolutionary tool that has given us the power to survive. Yet we must. We must survive. If any of you out there thinks if America collapses, it'll only effect us, you have another thing coming. We must survive, we must work to bridge the divide in all of us and it starts right at home by looking in the mirror and making a choice.

    That's what I'm trying to do anyways. I started by looking how I'm using Facebook and YouTube. I found I was wasting too much time on Facebook and I was building resentment of my friends who I felt were changing for the worst. I replaced the time on Facebook with time on YouTube. That took even more time and attention from my life that I totally could have used on my own well being. It's going to take some time, so why not start on rebuilding now?

    All I know is that no matter who you backed on November 3rd, I'll do my best to be there for you it doesn't go your way.

    Till next time Party People, keep on a chooglin!

    

Compassion and Acceptance, the Lie we Tell Ourselves

Morning Party People,

    I'm writing this through blogger instead of Facebook because I feel this is less of a jerk move. I mean you had to click on this to read it right? It's not like I'm putting a funny background that catches your eye just so I can slide my opinion into your brain much like a jerk who walks by singing the Brady Bunch theme song.

    I read a post about the death of that man by the cops who had their knee on his his neck. It was a very angry post. Why wouldn't it be? It's a horrible thing to have happened, it highlights so many things wrong with the world and the people in it. Then I see a post calling for compassion for everyone involved, including the police. That's when it hit me.

    We lie when we talk about compassion and acceptance. We strove for a world of acceptance but we were only talking about people we like, not the people we hate. We wanted a world of compassion but in the end we only cared about people we choose to care about, not the ones we didn't. We are liars. 

    As a society we looked at the horrible things the previous generations did and said," Not us, we'll never be our parents. We wont do to others what had been to us."

    The cause is different, the energy is still the same.

    I think it's great that the odds of a Mother of Father rejecting their kid for coming out is far less than it was 20 years ago. I think it's great that we show more mercy for people with disabilities or mental issues than we ever have before in my lifetime. I also don't think any of that matters when we treat someone who has a different view on immigration or healthcare like someone who was gay or disabled from 30 years ago. We didn't solve our tribal view, we just shifted our view on our tribe. We learned little on how to live with other tribes.

    For the record, I'm not where I want to be when it comes to these things. I am no saint, I have an easier time being around certain people than others and I am not the nicest person to everyone I meet. So please don't think I'm writing this as I look down from my ivory tower, I'm in the same mob as you and I'm writing this because I'm scared of what we'll do and who we will become afterwards.

    Till next time Party People, Keep on a Chooglin'